I have a wonderful friend who lives in Eugene, Oregon who is going through a terrible situation as the result of losing her beloved mother last week. The family gathered around, and it is a large family, and they spent her last moments together at her bedside; holding her and expressing their love for her. The family has always been a close family and the mother was the matriarch of the family and deeply loved by her family and friends. The family has deep religious feelings and supported each other through all of life's rough spots with positive attitudes and lots of love.
Therefore, my friend was distraught to learn of some of the codicils of her mother's final Will, which was dated from 1996 and never updated as life changed. There are sons and daughters, grandchildren and great-grandchildren involved and they all are looking forward to hearing the last words their mother may have had for them. It is not a large estate, but there are many personal emotional treasures that mean a lot to each of the persons involved. Each one is looking for some small memento from their mother; to remember her by. No one is looking to become rich, because the property/money is of a very minor amount, and they are a very large family. The truth is that no one in the family is on top of the world, but rather struggle to get by each month. Their mother has provided a home for some of the less fortunate members of the family and each of those took part in their mother's care and worked hard to make sure she was comfortable as she aged and then became very ill. Each of them worked or were in school and were building their lives so that they could stand on their own. Each of the family members have happy memories of a loving, cohesive family unit. Now all of that is going to come crashing down on their heads and hearts, because the mother's Will leaves everything to one person and expects that one person to have to tell the others that there is no provision for them in the Will.
Now, my friend must struggle not only with the loss of her mother but with this horrendous news that she must tell the family. She is stricken with guilt at being the one chosen by her mother and she has the ideal that somehow she can find a way to give each member a fair share while, at the same time, trying to respect her mother's wishes. Her siblings are getting restless because no one is talking about the Will and some of them may be without a home and are very concerned with how they will survive now. My friend is waiting to talk about the Will for two reasons. One, is that the family lawyer actually has the Will and it is her responsibility to tell the family the details of the Will first, but more importantly for my friend is that the details of the Will are harsh and unloving to certain members of the family and my friend does not want to have to tell her grieving siblings that their mother was not happy with them.
All of the ill Will was written over 13 years ago when there had been some family dust-ups and the mother was angry at her children's choices of mates and how those mates treated her. It is all about who "deserves" to have her beloved and hard-earned money and the few items of worth that she held on to. There was very little thought given to the results her Will would have on a grieving family and how dealing with all of this would put great physical and emotional stress on the one person she did choose. My friend is shattered by the responsibility she has been given. Another concern is that the Will must go through probate because of how it was set up and my friend is almost positive that she will have to sell the house where everyone is living in order to pay for the court costs on the estate. My friend struggles to make ends meet and has no money to be able to cover those costs herself. It is all so overwhelming for her and it makes her process of grieving so hard because now she must handle all of these painful experiences.
The truly sad part is that the mother never re-did her Will after all of the family struggles were over and reconciliation had come to pass. This is going to be a sock in the stomach and heart for most of her family and feelings over this Will may tear this family apart for many years.
And so I come to the reason for this blog today. First, if you love your family and want them to be able to go on after your death and remember you for your happy, tender moments, then give them a simple, straightforward Will that is very clear and that COMES FROM LOVE. I know that making a Will is harder than having all of your teeth pulled, and that we all put off this task because it seems to bring the subject of your imminent death to the forefront of your thoughts and that puts shivers up your back, but if you love your family and don't want your memorial service to be fraught with family feuds and ill feelings between your children and grandchildren, then sit down and put your thoughts and your will for your precious family treasures down on paper and have it notorized or go to a lawyer and have him draw up a simple will and also a "Living Will" and then when you are done, have copies made and circulate them among family members so that they know what to expect and can give you feed-back if they want to. Also let them know who will be the executor of the will so they can get their thoughts around this.
Please do not use your Will to settle old scores. Use this as a shining moment to express your love for each family member and to give each person something that is special to you and meant specifically for them to enjoy. This is your last chance in life to show love to your family in a meaningful way. If you have nothing physical to give, then write a short letter to each member of your family and tell them that you love them and why. We each have a treasure to give to our families and the real treasure is what we feel for them individually and what about them makes us proud. Every human being has something good you can write about and that will be the real gift you give to each of their hearts. Forgive all bad memories and acts in your Will ( none of us is perfect and most of us have had skirmishes with our parents or other loved ones at some point in our relationship) for if we expect others to forgive us for our indiscretions then we must be the first to extend the olive branch to any and all who may have ruffled our feathers.
If you make out a Will and then have second-thoughts, then change the Will and again send that copy to all who are concerned. Better to work things out now while you can still have input than to keep an outdated, virulent Will around that will divide your family later and detract from all of the precious, loving moments that can come to pass if you have made a thoughtful and loving Will.
Funerals are painful enough just because of the reason you are there; your loss and grief. But stir it up with a virulent Will and ill feelings and you have a recipe for a family disaster, and your memory will be marred by all of the painful feelings.
I know this has been a touchy subject and maybe very painful, but please put the thought in your mind that your final days should be as loving as possible and you can accomplish this with a little thought and love when drawing up your own Will. It is a gift to your family that will last forever; they will remember you for your great love for them.
