Finally, after two weeks of rapid-cycling bi-polar mood swings, I am happy on a consistent basis. It has been two days now without the depth of depression or the swing into euphoria. I feel so relieved to be off of that roller coaster ride.
What finally happened is that I wrote a letter to my son about the problem-because he was so worried about me. In the letter I summed up what I had been going through and my lack of insight into the problem. Then I got into my "writing space" where the ideas start to come rolling out of my sub-conscious and after a couple of pages I finally was able to see what the cause of my disruption was. In short, after many years of struggle and living below the poverty level, I finally realized that I was terrified of success. I am afraid that I won't be able to handle money coming in, or have the ability to speak to total strangers about my beloved book, or to handle myself being out in the public eye. I sense a major change coming into my life where I will be speaking to groups and talking about serious ideas to both people who will love the book, and those that will hate the book and have no problem telling me why. I worry about whether I will have tough enough skin to listen to criticism and be able to remain in a coming-from-love place; and not cry doing so.
It was overwhelming fear of future events that caused me to look at being published as both highly exciting and deeply terrifying. Just acknowledging my mixed feelings helped me to come to terms with them and realize that nothing is certain in life, but the good Lord has always guided me through the rocky times and I know that He will walk with me through whatever should come up. I know that I did not write the book alone, but was led down a path by a group of three muses who directed the ideas that came pouring into my mind and heart and helped me to publish their ideas in a way that people would find enjoyable and yet tear down some of the walls in the reader's mind. This can be dangerous, as I was warned many times, because truth is in the eye of the beholder and some people will really rebel against some of the ideas that came into my mind. Some will see the book to be anti-God and heretical and will feel driven to rebuke me and correct my "misunderstandings." Fortunately, most readers will sense my deep love for the Holy One and feel that the ideas expressed in the book have a basis in reality. So we shall see. Will I be vilified, or applauded for presenting exciting new concepts (or at least making a great story out of very old ideas)?
Here we go, down a long chute into a new and different world. What will the new world be like? And how will I adjust to whatever happens in that new world? You will be the first to know because I will keep you abreast of all that happens as the days unfold. We are waiting with baited breath to hear that the book is complete and is being distributed for sale. I am giving myself up to the enjoyment of that special day and then I will sit back and watch the reactions that the book receives and go from there.
I have started the revisions of the second book and it is coming along bit by bit. I feel that I will have the book ready for release for next summer's reading enjoyment. So all of this is an endless cycle. I will be writing for the rest of my life; I have so many stories that I want to tell. I thank the Holy One for allowing me this great pleasure and purpose in life, and I thank you for your continuous support of this blog and myself. I don't know how I would get along without having you to talk to and test out my ideas on. Thank you so much.
Next week I will be preparing for the two-week visit from my granddaughter, Lindsey. She is coming to me from Iowa and I am out of my mind with joy as I have only seen her for two hours in her life and I have been praying for 17 years that one day she would be old enough to come and visit me...and have the desire to come. She did not disappoint me and we are going to have such a great time talking and making up for 17 years of separation. So glad that my moods have stabilized and I can enjoy her.
Have a great weekend and I hope that you will feel joy and peace in whatever you choose to do. Thanks for listening.
What finally happened is that I wrote a letter to my son about the problem-because he was so worried about me. In the letter I summed up what I had been going through and my lack of insight into the problem. Then I got into my "writing space" where the ideas start to come rolling out of my sub-conscious and after a couple of pages I finally was able to see what the cause of my disruption was. In short, after many years of struggle and living below the poverty level, I finally realized that I was terrified of success. I am afraid that I won't be able to handle money coming in, or have the ability to speak to total strangers about my beloved book, or to handle myself being out in the public eye. I sense a major change coming into my life where I will be speaking to groups and talking about serious ideas to both people who will love the book, and those that will hate the book and have no problem telling me why. I worry about whether I will have tough enough skin to listen to criticism and be able to remain in a coming-from-love place; and not cry doing so.
It was overwhelming fear of future events that caused me to look at being published as both highly exciting and deeply terrifying. Just acknowledging my mixed feelings helped me to come to terms with them and realize that nothing is certain in life, but the good Lord has always guided me through the rocky times and I know that He will walk with me through whatever should come up. I know that I did not write the book alone, but was led down a path by a group of three muses who directed the ideas that came pouring into my mind and heart and helped me to publish their ideas in a way that people would find enjoyable and yet tear down some of the walls in the reader's mind. This can be dangerous, as I was warned many times, because truth is in the eye of the beholder and some people will really rebel against some of the ideas that came into my mind. Some will see the book to be anti-God and heretical and will feel driven to rebuke me and correct my "misunderstandings." Fortunately, most readers will sense my deep love for the Holy One and feel that the ideas expressed in the book have a basis in reality. So we shall see. Will I be vilified, or applauded for presenting exciting new concepts (or at least making a great story out of very old ideas)?
Here we go, down a long chute into a new and different world. What will the new world be like? And how will I adjust to whatever happens in that new world? You will be the first to know because I will keep you abreast of all that happens as the days unfold. We are waiting with baited breath to hear that the book is complete and is being distributed for sale. I am giving myself up to the enjoyment of that special day and then I will sit back and watch the reactions that the book receives and go from there.
I have started the revisions of the second book and it is coming along bit by bit. I feel that I will have the book ready for release for next summer's reading enjoyment. So all of this is an endless cycle. I will be writing for the rest of my life; I have so many stories that I want to tell. I thank the Holy One for allowing me this great pleasure and purpose in life, and I thank you for your continuous support of this blog and myself. I don't know how I would get along without having you to talk to and test out my ideas on. Thank you so much.
Next week I will be preparing for the two-week visit from my granddaughter, Lindsey. She is coming to me from Iowa and I am out of my mind with joy as I have only seen her for two hours in her life and I have been praying for 17 years that one day she would be old enough to come and visit me...and have the desire to come. She did not disappoint me and we are going to have such a great time talking and making up for 17 years of separation. So glad that my moods have stabilized and I can enjoy her.
Have a great weekend and I hope that you will feel joy and peace in whatever you choose to do. Thanks for listening.
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