I am very grateful for being adopted. The alternative was to remain in foster care or an orphanage until I was an adult of 18. It has been my observation that people who have had to be raised in foster care, or in an orphanage, have even worse stories than mine and Charley's experiences. They seem to be even more alone than those of us who learned to live with parents that were not related to us. Sometimes their entire families have been broken down and they realize that they are missing out on close family relationships. Extreme loneliness and depression can set in, and that will follow them throughout their lives, or at least until they build their own family and know a soul's peace and love.
Many things are said of those who have been adopted: 1) that a high percentage of us have mental disorders brought about by the pressures of being adopted and not feeling as though you truly belonged anywhere 2) that adoptees seem to follow two possible pathways, either they excel in life despite emotional issues, or they become criminals. My mother was obsessed with what her girlfriends were saying about the adoptions. They told her these "facts" and tried to get her to reconsider her decision. She stubbornly refused to listen to them and she felt that with her raising us that we would be perfectly fine. Charley spent a major part of his teen-age years in California Youth Authority and his adult life skirting danger and the police. I, myself, spent years in and out of mental hospitals until they finally diagnosed me with P.T.S.D. and worked with me on the problem.
I believe one thing about adoption, and that is that I feel that all adoptions should be monitored over the years and that the adopted child receive family and individual therapy to address the problems that come up in an adoptee's life. I feel strongly that more personal information should be given to an adoptee, such as their family's health problems, their family's geographic background, their family's religion and cultural background, and how long their ancestors lived overall. Then an adoptee can feel more comfortable bringing their own family into this world and some idea of what health problems may come up as they age.
I am very glad that Ralph and Lucile adopted me. Our childhoods may have been rough and challenging, but at least we had a warm and lovely home, and usually, good food and sufficient clothes and shoes. We had our Christmases and holidays to make life seem sweet, and we had Ralph's limitless love. Lucile was very strict with us, often mutilating us when having one of her out-of-control harangues, but I did learn a lot from her such as perseverance and a love of hard work; reading and learning Latin and medicine from her bookcase full of books; and a love for all of the holidays (Charley and I were "free" on holidays; free from beatings and diatribes. It was the only thing we could hold onto in the hard times which were the other 358 days a year).
As my parents aged, and before Lucile was struck down with senile dementia, dad became even more loving and mom had mellowed out, in some of her ways. They excelled at grandparenthood and loved the grandchildren without reservation. When they became great-grandparents with mixed racial great-grandchildren, they never dropped a beat or said an off word, instead they embraced the new black grandchildren with even greater fervor and they enjoyed a lot of fulfillment in the experience. Mother and I reconciled before she passed away in 2000. We were able to address the issues I had with her treatment of us, and particularly with Charley, and I gave her a verbal forgiveness that lifted a heavy weight from my heart and her soul; she was able to slip away at peace with her life and our relationship. I am so grateful for that final experience and also grateful for the love that I have for her today. My feelings for Ralph are that he was always meant to be my father, but since Lucile could not bear children, I had to find him through the adoption route. I'm sure that God wanted Lucile to be my mother because her teachings and training have stood me well in life and she taught me a great love of God. If I had not had the experiences that I did have, I would not be who I am today, and I am feeling good about being myself (with some reservations, as I am still learning and growing up) and where I am in life.
All of my young and older days were spent in a constant cry for my birth mother to find me. I started actively looking for my birth mother in 1975. I was a Mormon at the time, and was very engrossed in Genealogy. I spent a lot of time and effort gathering data for Lucile's and Ralph's families, and it was very interesting work on both sides. It occurred to me that I might use Genealogy searches to find my mother. My husband, Charles, took over the search and he was determined to find her.
Tomorrow, I will tell you the story of how I found my birth mother, and her reaction to being found.
_____________________________
This is a picture of the cover for my new book, "THE GOD GAMES: Legend of Kor"
Many things are said of those who have been adopted: 1) that a high percentage of us have mental disorders brought about by the pressures of being adopted and not feeling as though you truly belonged anywhere 2) that adoptees seem to follow two possible pathways, either they excel in life despite emotional issues, or they become criminals. My mother was obsessed with what her girlfriends were saying about the adoptions. They told her these "facts" and tried to get her to reconsider her decision. She stubbornly refused to listen to them and she felt that with her raising us that we would be perfectly fine. Charley spent a major part of his teen-age years in California Youth Authority and his adult life skirting danger and the police. I, myself, spent years in and out of mental hospitals until they finally diagnosed me with P.T.S.D. and worked with me on the problem.
I believe one thing about adoption, and that is that I feel that all adoptions should be monitored over the years and that the adopted child receive family and individual therapy to address the problems that come up in an adoptee's life. I feel strongly that more personal information should be given to an adoptee, such as their family's health problems, their family's geographic background, their family's religion and cultural background, and how long their ancestors lived overall. Then an adoptee can feel more comfortable bringing their own family into this world and some idea of what health problems may come up as they age.
I am very glad that Ralph and Lucile adopted me. Our childhoods may have been rough and challenging, but at least we had a warm and lovely home, and usually, good food and sufficient clothes and shoes. We had our Christmases and holidays to make life seem sweet, and we had Ralph's limitless love. Lucile was very strict with us, often mutilating us when having one of her out-of-control harangues, but I did learn a lot from her such as perseverance and a love of hard work; reading and learning Latin and medicine from her bookcase full of books; and a love for all of the holidays (Charley and I were "free" on holidays; free from beatings and diatribes. It was the only thing we could hold onto in the hard times which were the other 358 days a year).
As my parents aged, and before Lucile was struck down with senile dementia, dad became even more loving and mom had mellowed out, in some of her ways. They excelled at grandparenthood and loved the grandchildren without reservation. When they became great-grandparents with mixed racial great-grandchildren, they never dropped a beat or said an off word, instead they embraced the new black grandchildren with even greater fervor and they enjoyed a lot of fulfillment in the experience. Mother and I reconciled before she passed away in 2000. We were able to address the issues I had with her treatment of us, and particularly with Charley, and I gave her a verbal forgiveness that lifted a heavy weight from my heart and her soul; she was able to slip away at peace with her life and our relationship. I am so grateful for that final experience and also grateful for the love that I have for her today. My feelings for Ralph are that he was always meant to be my father, but since Lucile could not bear children, I had to find him through the adoption route. I'm sure that God wanted Lucile to be my mother because her teachings and training have stood me well in life and she taught me a great love of God. If I had not had the experiences that I did have, I would not be who I am today, and I am feeling good about being myself (with some reservations, as I am still learning and growing up) and where I am in life.
All of my young and older days were spent in a constant cry for my birth mother to find me. I started actively looking for my birth mother in 1975. I was a Mormon at the time, and was very engrossed in Genealogy. I spent a lot of time and effort gathering data for Lucile's and Ralph's families, and it was very interesting work on both sides. It occurred to me that I might use Genealogy searches to find my mother. My husband, Charles, took over the search and he was determined to find her.
Tomorrow, I will tell you the story of how I found my birth mother, and her reaction to being found.
_____________________________
This is a picture of the cover for my new book, "THE GOD GAMES: Legend of Kor"
No comments:
Post a Comment