What I have been thinking a lot about lately is family. Since I was adopted when I was a year old and now am 68, not very many of my older relatives are still alive. I was loved and accepted by several of my mother's and father's families when I was a little girl. Some relatives stand out for their giving freely of their love to a little girl who had no natural relatives. My aunts Fannie Pearson, Irene, and Marion MacDougall, and my great-uncle, Lee Evans, stand out in memory. They never labeled me as an outsider but instead gave of their hearts openly.
My grandmother, Pansy MacDougall, did seem to love me and it was my responsibility in my teens and young womanhood to take care of her needs as she became frail and was struck with senile dementia. But she would say one thing that tore my heart apart. When I had made her comfortable and made sure she had all that she needed, she would look at me and say, "I wish that my grandchildren would care for me as much as you do." I operated under the premise that she was my grandmother, and it hurt to have her refer to me as someone outside of the family.
Now all of the outstanding relatives who loved me have all passed away, and there is not a single cousin on either side of my family that accepts me as family. The cousins have chosen that I not be included in their families as I am really not one of them...by blood.
But no fear, my life is filled with the love of the children and grandchildren that God has blessed me with. I am very grateful that The Holy One has seen fit to give me relatives by blood; relatives that I have given birth to and who do not deny me, my six children, 13 grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren.
I used to pray that the Lord would let me find my birth parents and family. He did, but I was rejected by my mother because no one in her new family knew of my existence; she was raped going home from work when she was a war-widow with her husband overseas, and she and her family kept it secret from him and she joined him after my birth in Hawaii were he was stationed. My poor mother was filled with fear that her new family-two sisters and a brother of mine-would learn of the horrible chapter of her life that she had prayed would never come out in public. I assured her that I would not intrude upon her life and keep her secret, and that is what I have done for 33 years. She and her husband passed away many years ago and so she was spared any mark upon her reputation and I have not made moves to intrude upon my sisters and brother who I am sure would be aghast that their mother kept such a secret from them and their father. In the back of my heart however, I have hoped and prayed that one day a miracle would happen and I would get to see my sisters and brother; but if that never happens I have the comfort of having found my mother, having a picture of her holding me at 6 weeks, and knowing about my mother's relatives and what nationality I belong to. Gratefully, I am Jewish as well as English, Irish, Scotch and Pennsylvania Dutch. And that is all enough for me and I feel especially blessed to at least have found mother and heard the story of who I am.
Do I regret finding my mother only to have her reject me again? Not at all. I know that in her own way she loved me but did not have the strength to face her family with all the ugly details of her life. She suffered that she could not get closer to me and she spoke to my daughters and created a relationship with them, and on every Christmas she would send me the news of how her life was going. So I did have a thread of contact with mom, and I never pushed her to do more. I love her.
I would very much like to know if relatives-by-adoption generally turn their backs on adopted members of the family, or if my case is unusual. I feel very proud of both of my adopted families and have worked on their genealogies for years. Now, I am beginning to work on my blood-line genealogy and surprise, surprise, they have much the same background as my adoptive parents.
In closure, all that I can say is to thank God for giving me all of my relatives; blood and not. I love both sides very much and hope that one day some of my adoptive cousins will come around and speak to me again. I will work to accomplish that. Thank you for listening to me today as I try to get a grip around who is family and who has decided not to be. Family is very precious to me and I cherish even a word in my direction.
My grandmother, Pansy MacDougall, did seem to love me and it was my responsibility in my teens and young womanhood to take care of her needs as she became frail and was struck with senile dementia. But she would say one thing that tore my heart apart. When I had made her comfortable and made sure she had all that she needed, she would look at me and say, "I wish that my grandchildren would care for me as much as you do." I operated under the premise that she was my grandmother, and it hurt to have her refer to me as someone outside of the family.
Now all of the outstanding relatives who loved me have all passed away, and there is not a single cousin on either side of my family that accepts me as family. The cousins have chosen that I not be included in their families as I am really not one of them...by blood.
But no fear, my life is filled with the love of the children and grandchildren that God has blessed me with. I am very grateful that The Holy One has seen fit to give me relatives by blood; relatives that I have given birth to and who do not deny me, my six children, 13 grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren.
I used to pray that the Lord would let me find my birth parents and family. He did, but I was rejected by my mother because no one in her new family knew of my existence; she was raped going home from work when she was a war-widow with her husband overseas, and she and her family kept it secret from him and she joined him after my birth in Hawaii were he was stationed. My poor mother was filled with fear that her new family-two sisters and a brother of mine-would learn of the horrible chapter of her life that she had prayed would never come out in public. I assured her that I would not intrude upon her life and keep her secret, and that is what I have done for 33 years. She and her husband passed away many years ago and so she was spared any mark upon her reputation and I have not made moves to intrude upon my sisters and brother who I am sure would be aghast that their mother kept such a secret from them and their father. In the back of my heart however, I have hoped and prayed that one day a miracle would happen and I would get to see my sisters and brother; but if that never happens I have the comfort of having found my mother, having a picture of her holding me at 6 weeks, and knowing about my mother's relatives and what nationality I belong to. Gratefully, I am Jewish as well as English, Irish, Scotch and Pennsylvania Dutch. And that is all enough for me and I feel especially blessed to at least have found mother and heard the story of who I am.
Do I regret finding my mother only to have her reject me again? Not at all. I know that in her own way she loved me but did not have the strength to face her family with all the ugly details of her life. She suffered that she could not get closer to me and she spoke to my daughters and created a relationship with them, and on every Christmas she would send me the news of how her life was going. So I did have a thread of contact with mom, and I never pushed her to do more. I love her.
I would very much like to know if relatives-by-adoption generally turn their backs on adopted members of the family, or if my case is unusual. I feel very proud of both of my adopted families and have worked on their genealogies for years. Now, I am beginning to work on my blood-line genealogy and surprise, surprise, they have much the same background as my adoptive parents.
In closure, all that I can say is to thank God for giving me all of my relatives; blood and not. I love both sides very much and hope that one day some of my adoptive cousins will come around and speak to me again. I will work to accomplish that. Thank you for listening to me today as I try to get a grip around who is family and who has decided not to be. Family is very precious to me and I cherish even a word in my direction.
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