I thought that I had concluded my story yesterday on the subject of suicide, but I realize after re-reading it this morning that I never explained what my mind was doing at the time nor what my gut feelings were.
My mind was totally locked and closed to all around me. My mind hid from my conscious self the fact that I had determined to stop living. I began to put names of my children on all of my possessions and prepare a will and living will so there would be no fighting over things after I had gone. I wrote letters to each of my children and grandchildren and wrote down my most important thoughts and ideas so they would have them in future years. Although these are reasonable things to do in normal times, I was doing it as part of a plan of escape. You may never fully realize that you are planning to commit suicide until the time of the final snap, when you loose total control of your rational mind. Usually there is a final trigger.
My heart was consumed in pain from some unknown source berating me for all of my faults and stupid moves. I could conceive of my family members but didn't feel as if they were really there. My heart screamed to punish such an evil, worthless person as I was.
At first I had not formulated a specific plan to end my life, I was just fixated on my death and preparing for it. In my psychosis I judged that I was beyond a mere light punishment like stabbing myself. I had given up all hope and saw death as an inviting rest and surcease of pain and struggles. I yearn to just "let go."
Then, one day, things tilted a little more out of control. I took a bad fall one morning; there was no one around to help; the boys had torn up the house and disappeared; and there was no food for breakfast. A simple, easy, plan sprung full-blown into my mind. A simple, easy way to just let go.
I lined up all of my psychiatric drugs on my bed, pill by pill, got a large glass of water and began to swallow the pills, one by one. Resting after each tenth one. When I had ingested about 30 pills and was getting drowsy, my cell phone began to ring. I automatically picked it up and it was my worker from Jewish Family Services. I answered her greeting, but she was a trained psychologist and immediately picked up on a problem. She told me she was going to call right back, hung up, and called 911. I did not answer when she tried to call back. She left her work and drove to my house, ran up the stairs, and broke down my door. Then the EMTs arrived and I was taken off to have my stomach pumped. I was hospitalized for six weeks and grew up a lot. I have never tried suicide since; nor will I ever.
During the "suicidal mood" I laughed at people's jokes, talked as if everything were all right, and went about doing my usual daily chores. But it was as if I had a juicy secret from all the world and no one could understand me. I didn't want people to understand me, I just wanted to be left alone to carrying out my death.
In short, my mind was frozen in a land where there is no logic, all that you have is twisted logic; by which logic you were totally sane and doing the most natural thing in the world. My feelings were blunted and all that really registered was the constant pain in the depth of my being. I wanted to stab that pain, but I knew that soon I would have victory over it. I was calm and decisive and "matter-of-fact" about the whole situation.
It is impossible to understand, or comply with, other people talking to you. You just kind of shine people on until they either go away or get tired of watching you. Then, when you are alone, you finish doing what you had started to do...even if it takes months of waiting until the perfect moment comes.
If you see any of these symptoms in someone you love, or meet, then sooth the person until you can safely leave their presence for a moment, and then get on the phone to 911, or a psychiatrist or mental health worker. If you can't get a psychiatrist or mental health worker to aid you, then go to your local police where they generally have a great deal of experience in these matters, or will at least know whom to call. Most police departments have at least one person trained in dealing with mental health issues.
Thank you for listening to all of these hard subjects, we will now move on. Monday will be a surprise and on a different note.
My mind was totally locked and closed to all around me. My mind hid from my conscious self the fact that I had determined to stop living. I began to put names of my children on all of my possessions and prepare a will and living will so there would be no fighting over things after I had gone. I wrote letters to each of my children and grandchildren and wrote down my most important thoughts and ideas so they would have them in future years. Although these are reasonable things to do in normal times, I was doing it as part of a plan of escape. You may never fully realize that you are planning to commit suicide until the time of the final snap, when you loose total control of your rational mind. Usually there is a final trigger.
My heart was consumed in pain from some unknown source berating me for all of my faults and stupid moves. I could conceive of my family members but didn't feel as if they were really there. My heart screamed to punish such an evil, worthless person as I was.
At first I had not formulated a specific plan to end my life, I was just fixated on my death and preparing for it. In my psychosis I judged that I was beyond a mere light punishment like stabbing myself. I had given up all hope and saw death as an inviting rest and surcease of pain and struggles. I yearn to just "let go."
Then, one day, things tilted a little more out of control. I took a bad fall one morning; there was no one around to help; the boys had torn up the house and disappeared; and there was no food for breakfast. A simple, easy, plan sprung full-blown into my mind. A simple, easy way to just let go.
I lined up all of my psychiatric drugs on my bed, pill by pill, got a large glass of water and began to swallow the pills, one by one. Resting after each tenth one. When I had ingested about 30 pills and was getting drowsy, my cell phone began to ring. I automatically picked it up and it was my worker from Jewish Family Services. I answered her greeting, but she was a trained psychologist and immediately picked up on a problem. She told me she was going to call right back, hung up, and called 911. I did not answer when she tried to call back. She left her work and drove to my house, ran up the stairs, and broke down my door. Then the EMTs arrived and I was taken off to have my stomach pumped. I was hospitalized for six weeks and grew up a lot. I have never tried suicide since; nor will I ever.
During the "suicidal mood" I laughed at people's jokes, talked as if everything were all right, and went about doing my usual daily chores. But it was as if I had a juicy secret from all the world and no one could understand me. I didn't want people to understand me, I just wanted to be left alone to carrying out my death.
In short, my mind was frozen in a land where there is no logic, all that you have is twisted logic; by which logic you were totally sane and doing the most natural thing in the world. My feelings were blunted and all that really registered was the constant pain in the depth of my being. I wanted to stab that pain, but I knew that soon I would have victory over it. I was calm and decisive and "matter-of-fact" about the whole situation.
It is impossible to understand, or comply with, other people talking to you. You just kind of shine people on until they either go away or get tired of watching you. Then, when you are alone, you finish doing what you had started to do...even if it takes months of waiting until the perfect moment comes.
If you see any of these symptoms in someone you love, or meet, then sooth the person until you can safely leave their presence for a moment, and then get on the phone to 911, or a psychiatrist or mental health worker. If you can't get a psychiatrist or mental health worker to aid you, then go to your local police where they generally have a great deal of experience in these matters, or will at least know whom to call. Most police departments have at least one person trained in dealing with mental health issues.
Thank you for listening to all of these hard subjects, we will now move on. Monday will be a surprise and on a different note.
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