Today Ann goes through a time of deep depression and attempts suicide...
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 29...HELL
I have been hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital so many times that I cannot remember the number of times. Also, the ECT caused some short-term memory loss which is why I couldn't exactly remember. I remember getting excellent treatment and much information about my disorders. I learned coping skills and I learned to accept myself as a good person who had a disorder that had to be treated in order for me to maintain a decent lifestyle. I am by nature a positive person so no matter how sick I became I was able, with the grace of ONE, to start over again determined to get well.
There were suicide attempts I am saddened to say. Most of the time when I would get really ill, I would take a fork or knife and stab myself to punish myself for being such a bad person. Somebody had to punish me when I got out of line, and when I was stabbing myself I felt better inside, like I had paid the price for my many sins; those times were not really suicide attempts, but rather attempts to make myself feel better inside. One time was very serious though and I shudder even as I write this as I remember how desperate I was and how close I came to death.
I had my own gun, a .22 Colt revolver with snake-load bullets. The bullets had b.b.s in them so that if I shot a snake I would be sure to hit him. I took my gun into my bedroom; it was loaded with regular .22 shells. I locked my door and was standing by my bed with the gun pressed against my right temple, and I had my finger on the trigger; it had a light pull. I pulled back the hammer and just as I was pressing the trigger, Bruce burst through the door, sailed over the bed and knocked the gun out of my hand. Then he slapped me across the face and stopped me from hurting myself. It was the only time he laid a hand on me and I am glad he did so then. I went into the hospital for about a month after that. When I came out there were still all the loaded guns around the house but I never touched a gun again; just looking at them made me sick.
Even though I was very ill at times, I was also going through a very creative period. I wrote a non-fiction book that I called, COLOR PROUD: Succeeding in an Interracial Family. I tried for a year to get it published, but I only received rejection notices. However, one part of the book called, "Hello Brother," was published in AIM Magazine. One of the stories, "COLOR: A Fable for our Time," is still used in the Holy Child Jesus school's cross cultural classes thanks to Sister Thea Bowman who believed in me but has since passed away, much too early.
Being Bi-Polar has many advantages as well as detriments. There is this creative side where I can draw and paint, and also write; and write I do. It seems like I never stop writing, it is almost a compulsion, but writing keeps me sane. Other things that keep me sane are my children and grandchildren.
This will sound very strange to you I am sure, but I would not give up my mental illness for anything. It has brought me much knowledge about myself, and it has given me hidden strengths. I will always be medicated for my illness, but I am on a minimum of medication now. The creativity that comes as a blessing with Bi-Polar disorder I would not trade for any other gift on Earth, so I take my meds and practice releasing, and I feel filled with joy; most of the time. Every once in a while the disorder creeps up on me and I feel depressed and need to have a medication re-adjustment. Bi-Polar disorder is a bio-chemical imbalance in the brain and the chemicals are always in flux, so I must always keep my inner eye peeled for sudden changes that can occur, but I do feel blessed with good doctors and good medications. It is certainly not the end of my world.
In my later years, I was re-diagnosed and found not to be schizo-affective, but instead to have Bi-Polar disorder, rapid cycling, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from challenges in my childhood.
Meanwhile, I began to have grave reservations about staying on the mountain with Bruce.
Tomorrow Ann faces much hardship at the mine and begins a love affair with a close friend.
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 29...HELL
I have been hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital so many times that I cannot remember the number of times. Also, the ECT caused some short-term memory loss which is why I couldn't exactly remember. I remember getting excellent treatment and much information about my disorders. I learned coping skills and I learned to accept myself as a good person who had a disorder that had to be treated in order for me to maintain a decent lifestyle. I am by nature a positive person so no matter how sick I became I was able, with the grace of ONE, to start over again determined to get well.
There were suicide attempts I am saddened to say. Most of the time when I would get really ill, I would take a fork or knife and stab myself to punish myself for being such a bad person. Somebody had to punish me when I got out of line, and when I was stabbing myself I felt better inside, like I had paid the price for my many sins; those times were not really suicide attempts, but rather attempts to make myself feel better inside. One time was very serious though and I shudder even as I write this as I remember how desperate I was and how close I came to death.
I had my own gun, a .22 Colt revolver with snake-load bullets. The bullets had b.b.s in them so that if I shot a snake I would be sure to hit him. I took my gun into my bedroom; it was loaded with regular .22 shells. I locked my door and was standing by my bed with the gun pressed against my right temple, and I had my finger on the trigger; it had a light pull. I pulled back the hammer and just as I was pressing the trigger, Bruce burst through the door, sailed over the bed and knocked the gun out of my hand. Then he slapped me across the face and stopped me from hurting myself. It was the only time he laid a hand on me and I am glad he did so then. I went into the hospital for about a month after that. When I came out there were still all the loaded guns around the house but I never touched a gun again; just looking at them made me sick.
Even though I was very ill at times, I was also going through a very creative period. I wrote a non-fiction book that I called, COLOR PROUD: Succeeding in an Interracial Family. I tried for a year to get it published, but I only received rejection notices. However, one part of the book called, "Hello Brother," was published in AIM Magazine. One of the stories, "COLOR: A Fable for our Time," is still used in the Holy Child Jesus school's cross cultural classes thanks to Sister Thea Bowman who believed in me but has since passed away, much too early.
Being Bi-Polar has many advantages as well as detriments. There is this creative side where I can draw and paint, and also write; and write I do. It seems like I never stop writing, it is almost a compulsion, but writing keeps me sane. Other things that keep me sane are my children and grandchildren.
This will sound very strange to you I am sure, but I would not give up my mental illness for anything. It has brought me much knowledge about myself, and it has given me hidden strengths. I will always be medicated for my illness, but I am on a minimum of medication now. The creativity that comes as a blessing with Bi-Polar disorder I would not trade for any other gift on Earth, so I take my meds and practice releasing, and I feel filled with joy; most of the time. Every once in a while the disorder creeps up on me and I feel depressed and need to have a medication re-adjustment. Bi-Polar disorder is a bio-chemical imbalance in the brain and the chemicals are always in flux, so I must always keep my inner eye peeled for sudden changes that can occur, but I do feel blessed with good doctors and good medications. It is certainly not the end of my world.
In my later years, I was re-diagnosed and found not to be schizo-affective, but instead to have Bi-Polar disorder, rapid cycling, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from challenges in my childhood.
Meanwhile, I began to have grave reservations about staying on the mountain with Bruce.
Tomorrow Ann faces much hardship at the mine and begins a love affair with a close friend.
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