Today we begin a two-day look at Ann as she faces, endures, and triumphs over a life-long mental illness. She triumphs because she refuses to stop growing up.
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 29...HELL
Mental illness has been the single most difficult struggle I have had in my life. I discovered that I had a mental illness when I was a newly married 18-year-old. Mother had insisted that if I marry Charles that I go to Navy Hospital and be evaluated for a neurological disorder that she seemed determined to prove that I had. It was the only way that she could explain why I was so moody during my teen years. She felt that I had "neurolepsy"; so I did go to Navy Hospital and had an EEG done and several other tests. When I went back to the hospital some months later to see an eye doctor, I went and got my chart from the chart room to take to my doctor. I was very curious, and opened the chart to see the results of my testing. When I read the first page, I saw that they had diagnosed me as having ambulatory paranoid schizophrenia. I quietly walked back out of the doctor's office and took the chart and went home. I still have that chart. I was stunned. Of course I was only 18 and did not understand all of the ramifications of the diagnosis, but I knew enough that I did not want anyone else to know I had the terrible affliction. One of the tests I had taken asked specific questions about my childhood and I had answered truthfully. The doctor's refused to believe that what I had said had happened, had really happened. They had recommended that I receive treatment at an outpatient county psychiatric unit, but Charles would not let his wife go to any such place, so I did not get any help at that time.
After I had given birth to Jared in 1975, I had post-partum depression but did not know that it had a name at the time. I was very depressed and spent a lot of time with Jared lying on the couch in the living room just watching TV, eating chocolate, and crying. Jared was a lovely baby, very good natured, and if he hadn't been, I think I would have been hospitalized then, but at the time I didn't even know anything about psychiatric hospitals. My Bishop sent me to see Dr. LaMar in 1976 because he felt that talking my problems over with him might help me to stabilize. Dr. LaMar was a wonderful psychiatrist and he actually believed me when I told him my stories about my youth. He got me stabilized on Amitriptyline and I pulled out of the depression and went on with my normal life.
Then, as I told you, I had the nervous breakdown in 1977 and went to the psychiatric hospital. There again, the doctors would not believe me when I told them some of the things that my mother had done to my brother, especially about when she had cut his penis when he was three. They suggested that I sit down with my father and ask him if such an event really did occur. Daddy was living with me at the time-it was one of the times when he had run away from my mother himself-and so when they gave me leave from the hospital I asked him point blank if I had been imagining things about the past. Daddy started to cry, and told me everything that I remembered was true, and that it was the greatest pain in his life that he had not done anything to protect Charley and me. I told daddy that Charley and I both loved him and didn't blame him, and that we understood what he had also been going through. Daddy, I really understand, as I sit here at 64 I go back into the past and see the many errors that I did with my own children. I just shudder at the many mistakes that I have made; I am also so sorry for the things I did, and the things that I neglected to do. Thank ONE that my children still love me anyway.
I managed to skate through college and my wonderful job at Starnet without totally breaking down, and I managed to get us settled in the mountains. The first years in the mountains there was so much work to do that I didn't even have time to think. Eleven grandchildren were born into our family during the 14 years that we lived on the mountain. Debby had Sheera three years after having James. Becky had Sierra in 1993 and Warren in 1995. Charlie had Lindsey and Mark. Belinda had Helena. Kelly had Jesse, Jason, and Matthew; and Janice had Justin and Sara. Such rich years they were as children are the greatest gift that I can imagine. I also realized that ONE had given me the blessing I had asked him for, a house on five acres of land. A millsite is five acres. ONE does answer prayer.
How the grandchildren loved the mountains. They had total freedom to run around and make noise, and Bruce taught all of the grandchildren how to handle and take care of a gun. In the afternoons, after the work was done, he would teach them how to fire a gun and they all became marksmen. He would also have them work in the mine with him so they all became little gold miners. He taught as many as were old enough how to weld, and how to handle tools. The children loved their grandfather Bruce, and Bruce loved all of the grandchildren without any favorites; they were all great to him and I really appreciated this quality in him.
The first summer that we were in the mountains, both David and Jared went to Iowa for a month to visit their dad. Three weeks into their visit, I received a letter from David that said that he was not going to come back to San Diego, but was going to live with his father in Iowa. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I felt rejected and that catalyzed my second stay in a mental hospital. I was profoundly depressed and could not function at all. I lay down on a bed in the hospital and did not move, or eat, or talk. Dr. LaMar had turned me over to Becky's doctor, Dr. Laurence, because he did not do hospitalizations. Dr. Laurence thought that I was going to just give up and die. He prescribed ECT, electro convulsant therapy; shock therapy. I have no idea how many times I received ECT-many, many times-but finally it started to bring me out of the worst of the depression. Finally I got up on my feet and improved. Dr. Laurence diagnosed me as having schizo-affective disorder/Bi-Polar disorder. I was declared totally disabled and was put on state disability for a year, and then I started receiving Social Security Disability and eventually Medicare.
Tomorrow Ann, pressed beyond endurance, attempts suicide.
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 29...HELL
Mental illness has been the single most difficult struggle I have had in my life. I discovered that I had a mental illness when I was a newly married 18-year-old. Mother had insisted that if I marry Charles that I go to Navy Hospital and be evaluated for a neurological disorder that she seemed determined to prove that I had. It was the only way that she could explain why I was so moody during my teen years. She felt that I had "neurolepsy"; so I did go to Navy Hospital and had an EEG done and several other tests. When I went back to the hospital some months later to see an eye doctor, I went and got my chart from the chart room to take to my doctor. I was very curious, and opened the chart to see the results of my testing. When I read the first page, I saw that they had diagnosed me as having ambulatory paranoid schizophrenia. I quietly walked back out of the doctor's office and took the chart and went home. I still have that chart. I was stunned. Of course I was only 18 and did not understand all of the ramifications of the diagnosis, but I knew enough that I did not want anyone else to know I had the terrible affliction. One of the tests I had taken asked specific questions about my childhood and I had answered truthfully. The doctor's refused to believe that what I had said had happened, had really happened. They had recommended that I receive treatment at an outpatient county psychiatric unit, but Charles would not let his wife go to any such place, so I did not get any help at that time.
After I had given birth to Jared in 1975, I had post-partum depression but did not know that it had a name at the time. I was very depressed and spent a lot of time with Jared lying on the couch in the living room just watching TV, eating chocolate, and crying. Jared was a lovely baby, very good natured, and if he hadn't been, I think I would have been hospitalized then, but at the time I didn't even know anything about psychiatric hospitals. My Bishop sent me to see Dr. LaMar in 1976 because he felt that talking my problems over with him might help me to stabilize. Dr. LaMar was a wonderful psychiatrist and he actually believed me when I told him my stories about my youth. He got me stabilized on Amitriptyline and I pulled out of the depression and went on with my normal life.
Then, as I told you, I had the nervous breakdown in 1977 and went to the psychiatric hospital. There again, the doctors would not believe me when I told them some of the things that my mother had done to my brother, especially about when she had cut his penis when he was three. They suggested that I sit down with my father and ask him if such an event really did occur. Daddy was living with me at the time-it was one of the times when he had run away from my mother himself-and so when they gave me leave from the hospital I asked him point blank if I had been imagining things about the past. Daddy started to cry, and told me everything that I remembered was true, and that it was the greatest pain in his life that he had not done anything to protect Charley and me. I told daddy that Charley and I both loved him and didn't blame him, and that we understood what he had also been going through. Daddy, I really understand, as I sit here at 64 I go back into the past and see the many errors that I did with my own children. I just shudder at the many mistakes that I have made; I am also so sorry for the things I did, and the things that I neglected to do. Thank ONE that my children still love me anyway.
I managed to skate through college and my wonderful job at Starnet without totally breaking down, and I managed to get us settled in the mountains. The first years in the mountains there was so much work to do that I didn't even have time to think. Eleven grandchildren were born into our family during the 14 years that we lived on the mountain. Debby had Sheera three years after having James. Becky had Sierra in 1993 and Warren in 1995. Charlie had Lindsey and Mark. Belinda had Helena. Kelly had Jesse, Jason, and Matthew; and Janice had Justin and Sara. Such rich years they were as children are the greatest gift that I can imagine. I also realized that ONE had given me the blessing I had asked him for, a house on five acres of land. A millsite is five acres. ONE does answer prayer.
How the grandchildren loved the mountains. They had total freedom to run around and make noise, and Bruce taught all of the grandchildren how to handle and take care of a gun. In the afternoons, after the work was done, he would teach them how to fire a gun and they all became marksmen. He would also have them work in the mine with him so they all became little gold miners. He taught as many as were old enough how to weld, and how to handle tools. The children loved their grandfather Bruce, and Bruce loved all of the grandchildren without any favorites; they were all great to him and I really appreciated this quality in him.
The first summer that we were in the mountains, both David and Jared went to Iowa for a month to visit their dad. Three weeks into their visit, I received a letter from David that said that he was not going to come back to San Diego, but was going to live with his father in Iowa. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I felt rejected and that catalyzed my second stay in a mental hospital. I was profoundly depressed and could not function at all. I lay down on a bed in the hospital and did not move, or eat, or talk. Dr. LaMar had turned me over to Becky's doctor, Dr. Laurence, because he did not do hospitalizations. Dr. Laurence thought that I was going to just give up and die. He prescribed ECT, electro convulsant therapy; shock therapy. I have no idea how many times I received ECT-many, many times-but finally it started to bring me out of the worst of the depression. Finally I got up on my feet and improved. Dr. Laurence diagnosed me as having schizo-affective disorder/Bi-Polar disorder. I was declared totally disabled and was put on state disability for a year, and then I started receiving Social Security Disability and eventually Medicare.
Tomorrow Ann, pressed beyond endurance, attempts suicide.
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