INEVITABLE RECKONING
When you understand that this present life is only one day in your long life, and that at the change called death you simply disappear unto the next plane, to come back again later on-perhaps several hundred years later-then the events of this particular life appear in their true proportion, and then you begin to have dominion. The events of this life will not appear less important because of your new knowledge, but they will no longer intimidate you, because you will know that you can control them. No seeming misfortune will any longer have power to break your heart or weaken your courage. You will understand life as the wondrous opportunity and the glorious gift that it it. (Emmet Fox)
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 37
Trust me, when left to our own devices we can tear ourselves apart.
Every moment of Ed's and my life together I relived to try to see if I could have made a change so that he wouldn't have died. I kept seeing his pleading eyes the night he died. Oh, if I could only have lifted him. Oh, if I could have made him stay in the hospital that night. I beat myself up on the idiocy of being on the streets, living in the wilderness when we were in our sixties. What was I thinking of?
How could I have allowed him not to seek better care? I should have been kinder and gentler. I should have been more loving and forgiving.
In the end I relived each day for the wonder and love of it, and I remembered your eyes my Ed, your eyes so beautiful and expressive. I danced with you to "Harvest Moon" and I felt the delicate pressures of your hand in mine, my head against your chest, the warmth of our connection. For there is the reality of energy forms meeting, even if in slightly different dimensions. Souls can touch other souls
I was in grief, angry at Ed for leaving me and in denial that he could possibly be dead, but I had to put off experiencing grief because of the pressures of having to make a big change in my life.
I drove to Debby's home and rested there. I took the truck back to the car lot that we bought her from and pretty much just dumped it there. I still owed the bill for her that I would pay for a long time, but I couldn't take two vehicles to New Jersey. I decided that the little Saturn was the most suitable for my current needs. Then I sent boxes of things that were important to me, and that wouldn't fit in the car for a trip, along to New Jersey; to Becky's house in Pleasantville. Everything else I owned, but didn't have the money to send, was packed into boxes and landed on Debby's patio.
David arrived from New Jersey and he spent a couple of days talking to Debby and the children, and going around to greet old friends. Then we were ready to start up across the entire country. Pain at the loss of Ed wiped me out physically as we started across America.
We stopped at Charlie's home in Iowa and it was good to see Charlie again and I got to meet Lindsey and Mark for the first time. I treasure those few hours that I got to spend with them.
When we got to Michigan, we got to spend time with Jared and his new wife, Shannon, and their little boy named Drake. He was a beautiful little boy and Jared had chosen the most perfect wife who was a great cook and fed us wonderful meals.
Then as we departed Iowa, and headed to New Jersey, I fell asleep on David for the rest of the trip. Poor fellow had to drive the last thousand miles alone.
I was so glad to be with Becky and the children in their lovely big house. They had set a room apart for me and David had furnished it for me. It was really lovely and being with the grandchildren was wonderful.
At first Becky and I got along well together, but I was in a very bad way spiritually and spent most days alone, locked in my room. I could not listen to any of our music CDs for over a year. Instead I listened to Vh1 Classic on the TV and learned more about rock music, heavy metal, and punk, and this distracted me from my negative thoughts. Jimi Hendricks, AC/DC, Twisted Sister, the Doors, WHO, Queen, Led Zeppelin, and the Grateful Dead, amongst others, all made me forget the pain for a little while.
I loved New Jersey itself, all around me was water and beaches and beautiful trees and flowers, it is called the Garden State and it really is. I had the car so I was able to get around easily and began learning the city and country around me. I went to the casinos once a month and that was a real treat, there are so many in Atlantic City, so many venues to try.
I found a little synagogue on Brigantine Island that was beautiful and had the finest people imaginable as congregants. They accepted David and me with open arms and we feel a great deal of gratitude for their friendship; belonging to this congregation helped ease the pain of losing Ed; the pain of loneliness.
Tomorrow Becky and Ann have some struggles in their relationship and Ann gets her own apartment. Alone for the first time in her life...
When you understand that this present life is only one day in your long life, and that at the change called death you simply disappear unto the next plane, to come back again later on-perhaps several hundred years later-then the events of this particular life appear in their true proportion, and then you begin to have dominion. The events of this life will not appear less important because of your new knowledge, but they will no longer intimidate you, because you will know that you can control them. No seeming misfortune will any longer have power to break your heart or weaken your courage. You will understand life as the wondrous opportunity and the glorious gift that it it. (Emmet Fox)
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 37
Trust me, when left to our own devices we can tear ourselves apart.
Every moment of Ed's and my life together I relived to try to see if I could have made a change so that he wouldn't have died. I kept seeing his pleading eyes the night he died. Oh, if I could only have lifted him. Oh, if I could have made him stay in the hospital that night. I beat myself up on the idiocy of being on the streets, living in the wilderness when we were in our sixties. What was I thinking of?
How could I have allowed him not to seek better care? I should have been kinder and gentler. I should have been more loving and forgiving.
In the end I relived each day for the wonder and love of it, and I remembered your eyes my Ed, your eyes so beautiful and expressive. I danced with you to "Harvest Moon" and I felt the delicate pressures of your hand in mine, my head against your chest, the warmth of our connection. For there is the reality of energy forms meeting, even if in slightly different dimensions. Souls can touch other souls
I was in grief, angry at Ed for leaving me and in denial that he could possibly be dead, but I had to put off experiencing grief because of the pressures of having to make a big change in my life.
I drove to Debby's home and rested there. I took the truck back to the car lot that we bought her from and pretty much just dumped it there. I still owed the bill for her that I would pay for a long time, but I couldn't take two vehicles to New Jersey. I decided that the little Saturn was the most suitable for my current needs. Then I sent boxes of things that were important to me, and that wouldn't fit in the car for a trip, along to New Jersey; to Becky's house in Pleasantville. Everything else I owned, but didn't have the money to send, was packed into boxes and landed on Debby's patio.
David arrived from New Jersey and he spent a couple of days talking to Debby and the children, and going around to greet old friends. Then we were ready to start up across the entire country. Pain at the loss of Ed wiped me out physically as we started across America.
We stopped at Charlie's home in Iowa and it was good to see Charlie again and I got to meet Lindsey and Mark for the first time. I treasure those few hours that I got to spend with them.
When we got to Michigan, we got to spend time with Jared and his new wife, Shannon, and their little boy named Drake. He was a beautiful little boy and Jared had chosen the most perfect wife who was a great cook and fed us wonderful meals.
Then as we departed Iowa, and headed to New Jersey, I fell asleep on David for the rest of the trip. Poor fellow had to drive the last thousand miles alone.
I was so glad to be with Becky and the children in their lovely big house. They had set a room apart for me and David had furnished it for me. It was really lovely and being with the grandchildren was wonderful.
At first Becky and I got along well together, but I was in a very bad way spiritually and spent most days alone, locked in my room. I could not listen to any of our music CDs for over a year. Instead I listened to Vh1 Classic on the TV and learned more about rock music, heavy metal, and punk, and this distracted me from my negative thoughts. Jimi Hendricks, AC/DC, Twisted Sister, the Doors, WHO, Queen, Led Zeppelin, and the Grateful Dead, amongst others, all made me forget the pain for a little while.
I loved New Jersey itself, all around me was water and beaches and beautiful trees and flowers, it is called the Garden State and it really is. I had the car so I was able to get around easily and began learning the city and country around me. I went to the casinos once a month and that was a real treat, there are so many in Atlantic City, so many venues to try.
I found a little synagogue on Brigantine Island that was beautiful and had the finest people imaginable as congregants. They accepted David and me with open arms and we feel a great deal of gratitude for their friendship; belonging to this congregation helped ease the pain of losing Ed; the pain of loneliness.
Tomorrow Becky and Ann have some struggles in their relationship and Ann gets her own apartment. Alone for the first time in her life...
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