IN MEMORY
When I'm weak and I'm tired,
I think of you.
When I'm sad and lonely,
I think of you.
I remember how we drove in the car
To go to watch a falling star,
And when the times were bad,
You'd smile and make my heart so glad.
I remember how you'd hold my hand
When I cried,
When I couldn't understand things at all,
And just your presence made me smile,
Made me know hard times would pass us by.
And when we had no money at all,
You'd hug me and I'd know we were rich.
Nothing in the world,
Nothing in the world
Brought me joy like you.
And now that you are gone, I still smile.
The memory of you gets me by,
And I love you,
I always will, I love you, I love you still.
I'm still in love with you.
Davalene Hirsch
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 36
Now what would I do next? My total income was $900 a month and that would hardly cover rent alone in San Diego or Bishop. So I called my children David, Becky, and Debby and we had a conference over my future. I still had two weeks paid in rent at the motel in Bishop so I decided to stay there for the first two weeks.
The children planned that I would drive to Debby's and stay with her until David could take a plane out and come and get me and drive me to his home in New Jersey.
I was in serious heart pain and I could not stop crying. I longed to just hear Ed's voice again or see his dear face. What I saw was Ed's pack of cigarettes on the dresser. I went straight for them and lit up a cigarette, it was the first cigarette I had ever smoked. I was hooked; the memory of Ed was so strong while I was smoking his cigarettes that I could not stop for three years. I spent the next two weeks going back to all of Ed's favorite places in Bishop and taking pictures of the places so I wouldn't forget them.
Then I took a really daring step. My hair was down to my waist and I had let it grow long to please Ed. I really hated how much work it took to keep long hair nice so I had it cut fairly short. I kept enough of my long hair to save for my children, then I took one swatch of my hair and one swatch of Ed's hair and entwined them together to represent our love and commitment forever.
I allowed myself to grieve totally all day, every day, but I did it by reading all of our long "love" letters and going over all of the things that Ed had taught to me over the years. We had spent so much quality time together that I could recall for hours at a time.
The pain of his loss was overwhelming; he had been my one true love in life. I talked to him for hours, as if he were still in the room. I poured out my love to him. ONE really blessed me with the two weeks that I could continue to spend in our little motel room. I had time to get out all of my anger and denial by screaming when I would go out in the woods to walk on his trails. I felt like a brick was residing in my stomach. My body and mind ached. I rested and ate like I should, and bathed and took long walks. Then one day I went out to the mortician's to pick up Ed's ashes in preparation for the memorial service. It was very comforting to have his ashes in the same room with me; I talked to the ashes as if they were really him.
However, two weeks was long enough, and I had to get back into the swing of life again. Besides, Debby, Laura, James and Sheera were waiting their opportunity to try to make me feel better, and I needed to see their beautiful, loving faces. So I packed up the car and drove back to San Diego.
Tomorrow Ann struggles with grief, but gets on with her life and moves to New Jersey.
When I'm weak and I'm tired,
I think of you.
When I'm sad and lonely,
I think of you.
I remember how we drove in the car
To go to watch a falling star,
And when the times were bad,
You'd smile and make my heart so glad.
I remember how you'd hold my hand
When I cried,
When I couldn't understand things at all,
And just your presence made me smile,
Made me know hard times would pass us by.
And when we had no money at all,
You'd hug me and I'd know we were rich.
Nothing in the world,
Nothing in the world
Brought me joy like you.
And now that you are gone, I still smile.
The memory of you gets me by,
And I love you,
I always will, I love you, I love you still.
I'm still in love with you.
Davalene Hirsch
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 36
Now what would I do next? My total income was $900 a month and that would hardly cover rent alone in San Diego or Bishop. So I called my children David, Becky, and Debby and we had a conference over my future. I still had two weeks paid in rent at the motel in Bishop so I decided to stay there for the first two weeks.
The children planned that I would drive to Debby's and stay with her until David could take a plane out and come and get me and drive me to his home in New Jersey.
I was in serious heart pain and I could not stop crying. I longed to just hear Ed's voice again or see his dear face. What I saw was Ed's pack of cigarettes on the dresser. I went straight for them and lit up a cigarette, it was the first cigarette I had ever smoked. I was hooked; the memory of Ed was so strong while I was smoking his cigarettes that I could not stop for three years. I spent the next two weeks going back to all of Ed's favorite places in Bishop and taking pictures of the places so I wouldn't forget them.
Then I took a really daring step. My hair was down to my waist and I had let it grow long to please Ed. I really hated how much work it took to keep long hair nice so I had it cut fairly short. I kept enough of my long hair to save for my children, then I took one swatch of my hair and one swatch of Ed's hair and entwined them together to represent our love and commitment forever.
I allowed myself to grieve totally all day, every day, but I did it by reading all of our long "love" letters and going over all of the things that Ed had taught to me over the years. We had spent so much quality time together that I could recall for hours at a time.
The pain of his loss was overwhelming; he had been my one true love in life. I talked to him for hours, as if he were still in the room. I poured out my love to him. ONE really blessed me with the two weeks that I could continue to spend in our little motel room. I had time to get out all of my anger and denial by screaming when I would go out in the woods to walk on his trails. I felt like a brick was residing in my stomach. My body and mind ached. I rested and ate like I should, and bathed and took long walks. Then one day I went out to the mortician's to pick up Ed's ashes in preparation for the memorial service. It was very comforting to have his ashes in the same room with me; I talked to the ashes as if they were really him.
However, two weeks was long enough, and I had to get back into the swing of life again. Besides, Debby, Laura, James and Sheera were waiting their opportunity to try to make me feel better, and I needed to see their beautiful, loving faces. So I packed up the car and drove back to San Diego.
Tomorrow Ann struggles with grief, but gets on with her life and moves to New Jersey.
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