Today, Ann discusses life with Ed, a great teacher of philosophy and slot machines.
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 33...HELL
Ed thought of himself as a bad man, a man who had hurt irreparably the people he had most loved in life. He carried a heavy burden. He thought that he had an evil twin and I have seen that twin, but even when he was roaring like a wounded bear and uttering deprecations, I saw the wound, and more, I saw a man weeping in extreme pain, so that even as he yelled, my heart was tender towards him.
Ed was ferocious in his fear of being rejected again; as a result he needed to be in control of every situation. He needed constant updates of where I was and what I was doing; I recognized that he was like Bruce in that manner. He watched over me like a mother hen sometimes, always worrying that I might become ill or get hurt in some manner. He said that we had a co-dependent relationship and as far as I could tell, we did.
Ed asked me to move in the second day that I visited him. After that moment of weakness he never again asked me to stay but then I never gave him the option. None of us had regular beds, except for Herb; we slept on the floor on sleeping bags and blankets. I slept at the far end of the living room behind the couches. I made that little area my own. Little by little I moved out of Debby's house and into Ed's.
My music and philosophy classes were very important to Ed; I think the most important thing, and I soaked up everything like a sponge. Ed communicated his moods to me through music selections. Every day he would line up the albums to listen to that day. Our song was "Such a Woman," by Neil Young on the Harvest Moon album. That song was played very few times and was his highest compliment to me. "Harvest Moon" was our favorite dance music. When he was really angry with me he would play Neil Young's "A Man Needs a Maid" and I would get the hint, and if I were blowing him away, he would play "Hurricane," by Neil Young. Yes, I guess you could say we talked Neil Young, and that as a result, Neil Young is my favorite musician of all.
I was a very hard pupil to teach and I sorely tried Ed's patience. It took me years to get all of the artists and their albums, and the songs on each album, and the words to each song, down pat. We would have drills every day and I never knew when he was going to pop a question to me, so I had to concentrate pretty hard all of the time to keep up with him.
The most important talks we would have would be philosophy sessions. He had a sharp, incredibly accurate memory, and he could discuss various forms of belief without the aid of any books, however there were stacks of books that he had me read. Each book brought me closer to an understanding of the flow and how to relax into the flow and let go of all preconceptions. He taught me how to relax my brain and my body through Yoga exercises. He taught me to center myself and merely wait. He taught me for the first time in my life to experience joy and a feeling of self-worth. I love Ed.
Then there were other things he taught me that were of a very different nature; Slots. Yep, slot machines and a love of gambling. Now sometimes he won a great deal and was very sure of a certain system of the moment, but then the system could not be replicated and we would lose. I have never known anyone who could stay at a machine as long as he could. When he was in a manic mood he would think nothing of spending 24, 48, or 72 hours in a casino. There would be a terrible aftermath of such a marathon casino binge. Sometimes he would sink into such a deep depression that I would not see him for days afterwards and then he would spend sometimes weeks afterwards hardly speaking. He never enjoyed gambling as a game, for him, it was more like a war of wills. His mind would spin a hundred miles an hour as he tried to devise various new strategies for winning. I must tell you that I memorized all of the methods that he came up with and today I am able to gamble for fun yet not lose more at any one time than a monetary value that I select before I ever go to a casino. So I may not be a big winner, but I can have a whole day of fun on $40.00 eventually-unless I'm lucky and get a winner-but I will have played for hours and I usually come out about $20.00 ahead. He didn't teach me a system as much as a way to play with caution, but for himself he could not hang on to it.
Tomorrow, Ed and Ann play with time...
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 33...HELL
Ed thought of himself as a bad man, a man who had hurt irreparably the people he had most loved in life. He carried a heavy burden. He thought that he had an evil twin and I have seen that twin, but even when he was roaring like a wounded bear and uttering deprecations, I saw the wound, and more, I saw a man weeping in extreme pain, so that even as he yelled, my heart was tender towards him.
Ed was ferocious in his fear of being rejected again; as a result he needed to be in control of every situation. He needed constant updates of where I was and what I was doing; I recognized that he was like Bruce in that manner. He watched over me like a mother hen sometimes, always worrying that I might become ill or get hurt in some manner. He said that we had a co-dependent relationship and as far as I could tell, we did.
Ed asked me to move in the second day that I visited him. After that moment of weakness he never again asked me to stay but then I never gave him the option. None of us had regular beds, except for Herb; we slept on the floor on sleeping bags and blankets. I slept at the far end of the living room behind the couches. I made that little area my own. Little by little I moved out of Debby's house and into Ed's.
My music and philosophy classes were very important to Ed; I think the most important thing, and I soaked up everything like a sponge. Ed communicated his moods to me through music selections. Every day he would line up the albums to listen to that day. Our song was "Such a Woman," by Neil Young on the Harvest Moon album. That song was played very few times and was his highest compliment to me. "Harvest Moon" was our favorite dance music. When he was really angry with me he would play Neil Young's "A Man Needs a Maid" and I would get the hint, and if I were blowing him away, he would play "Hurricane," by Neil Young. Yes, I guess you could say we talked Neil Young, and that as a result, Neil Young is my favorite musician of all.
I was a very hard pupil to teach and I sorely tried Ed's patience. It took me years to get all of the artists and their albums, and the songs on each album, and the words to each song, down pat. We would have drills every day and I never knew when he was going to pop a question to me, so I had to concentrate pretty hard all of the time to keep up with him.
The most important talks we would have would be philosophy sessions. He had a sharp, incredibly accurate memory, and he could discuss various forms of belief without the aid of any books, however there were stacks of books that he had me read. Each book brought me closer to an understanding of the flow and how to relax into the flow and let go of all preconceptions. He taught me how to relax my brain and my body through Yoga exercises. He taught me to center myself and merely wait. He taught me for the first time in my life to experience joy and a feeling of self-worth. I love Ed.
Then there were other things he taught me that were of a very different nature; Slots. Yep, slot machines and a love of gambling. Now sometimes he won a great deal and was very sure of a certain system of the moment, but then the system could not be replicated and we would lose. I have never known anyone who could stay at a machine as long as he could. When he was in a manic mood he would think nothing of spending 24, 48, or 72 hours in a casino. There would be a terrible aftermath of such a marathon casino binge. Sometimes he would sink into such a deep depression that I would not see him for days afterwards and then he would spend sometimes weeks afterwards hardly speaking. He never enjoyed gambling as a game, for him, it was more like a war of wills. His mind would spin a hundred miles an hour as he tried to devise various new strategies for winning. I must tell you that I memorized all of the methods that he came up with and today I am able to gamble for fun yet not lose more at any one time than a monetary value that I select before I ever go to a casino. So I may not be a big winner, but I can have a whole day of fun on $40.00 eventually-unless I'm lucky and get a winner-but I will have played for hours and I usually come out about $20.00 ahead. He didn't teach me a system as much as a way to play with caution, but for himself he could not hang on to it.
Tomorrow, Ed and Ann play with time...
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