Ann, Ed, and Glenna continue reviewing Ann's life game by continuing to watch the movie of her life game. Ann is mortified by her actions.
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter Forty
I saw myself as a young mother and saw how hard it was to raise children all on your own and with little money. I saw that I became very angry at ONE and stopped talking to him. Then I saw that even when I had done all of that, that ONE blessed us with a home of our own and then blessed us with Carol and all she brought to our family.
I watched myself as I was not the best homemaker and as my mental illness became more prominent. I struggled with the issue of birth control and of using it to avoid future pregnancies and watched as I had my tubes tied and all of the guilt that that caused me.
The most painful time of life was when I realized that my poor Becky also had a mental illness and we had to put her in a mental hospital; the pain of having her torn away from us was sharp. Shortly after that, we had our divorce and I saw how we had hurt the children by this action.
I then saw what changing my religion did, mostly to Charlie, and my years at the synagogue as I was not home when my children needed me the most, and that I could not help. I saw the pain in my children's faces as their dad left our home and moved to Iowa.
There were so many changes in our life after that. I dated Phil and then laughed when he asked me to marry him; surely that was a sin against him. I dated Ben and saw that I had made some really bad choices with him in my life and was glad to see that I did not choose him. Then Bruce came into our lives and I was able to go to Coleman College, but in balance, I had to deal with his children. I dealt with Cliff the best that I could, but I could not get past the fact that he made my skin crawl. No child had ever caused me to have such feelings, and I must be a very bad person to feel such a way to a child. In the same time frame I was also feeling badly about sending Debby back to live with her father.
I was blessed with my job at Starnet, and was able to provide better for my little family, but the long hours that I spent working kept me from realizing that at home my children were being abused, were being treated like Cinderella without a storybook ending, by Bruce. Then my job ended with the sale of Starnet and we moved to the mountains.
Was it a sin to take the children into such a hard life? Was I depriving them of normal social lives? I know that I often felt suicidal over the next 14 years, I wonder how they each felt; I'm pretty sure Bruce's children have tales to tell of my cruelty and lack of understanding. One thing that bothered me was the number and frequency with which Bruce killed all the rattlesnakes. Once, as we were driving off the mountains, we saw on the right side of the road two rattlesnakes making love. They were at least five feet long and they were standing on the tip opf their rattlers and coiling their bodies around each other and swaying in a mating dance. It was really beautiful to watch and it gave you a different perspective on rattlesnakes. For a change, Bruce did not shoot the two snakes, but instead, just sat and watched them for about ten minutes. We were all entranced and finally drove off before the rattlesnakes were finished mating.
I felt guilty about how I treated all of the children. I felt that I should have been able to give them more and show love to them more often. I felt guilty that I let my mental illness cause so much trouble for my family. Every time that I came apart I could see the effects that it had on the children; it made them sad, it made them mad. I figure that I'm going to go to hell for that and plenty of other things also. My affair with Bob was my fault and that is really breaking the Ten Commandments. I figure that I broke most of the Ten Commandments in the short time that I had been alive on earth.
Tomorrow, Ann finishes watching the movie of her life game, and is wracked with pain and fear that she has blown her last life game.
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter Forty
I saw myself as a young mother and saw how hard it was to raise children all on your own and with little money. I saw that I became very angry at ONE and stopped talking to him. Then I saw that even when I had done all of that, that ONE blessed us with a home of our own and then blessed us with Carol and all she brought to our family.
I watched myself as I was not the best homemaker and as my mental illness became more prominent. I struggled with the issue of birth control and of using it to avoid future pregnancies and watched as I had my tubes tied and all of the guilt that that caused me.
The most painful time of life was when I realized that my poor Becky also had a mental illness and we had to put her in a mental hospital; the pain of having her torn away from us was sharp. Shortly after that, we had our divorce and I saw how we had hurt the children by this action.
I then saw what changing my religion did, mostly to Charlie, and my years at the synagogue as I was not home when my children needed me the most, and that I could not help. I saw the pain in my children's faces as their dad left our home and moved to Iowa.
There were so many changes in our life after that. I dated Phil and then laughed when he asked me to marry him; surely that was a sin against him. I dated Ben and saw that I had made some really bad choices with him in my life and was glad to see that I did not choose him. Then Bruce came into our lives and I was able to go to Coleman College, but in balance, I had to deal with his children. I dealt with Cliff the best that I could, but I could not get past the fact that he made my skin crawl. No child had ever caused me to have such feelings, and I must be a very bad person to feel such a way to a child. In the same time frame I was also feeling badly about sending Debby back to live with her father.
I was blessed with my job at Starnet, and was able to provide better for my little family, but the long hours that I spent working kept me from realizing that at home my children were being abused, were being treated like Cinderella without a storybook ending, by Bruce. Then my job ended with the sale of Starnet and we moved to the mountains.
Was it a sin to take the children into such a hard life? Was I depriving them of normal social lives? I know that I often felt suicidal over the next 14 years, I wonder how they each felt; I'm pretty sure Bruce's children have tales to tell of my cruelty and lack of understanding. One thing that bothered me was the number and frequency with which Bruce killed all the rattlesnakes. Once, as we were driving off the mountains, we saw on the right side of the road two rattlesnakes making love. They were at least five feet long and they were standing on the tip opf their rattlers and coiling their bodies around each other and swaying in a mating dance. It was really beautiful to watch and it gave you a different perspective on rattlesnakes. For a change, Bruce did not shoot the two snakes, but instead, just sat and watched them for about ten minutes. We were all entranced and finally drove off before the rattlesnakes were finished mating.
I felt guilty about how I treated all of the children. I felt that I should have been able to give them more and show love to them more often. I felt guilty that I let my mental illness cause so much trouble for my family. Every time that I came apart I could see the effects that it had on the children; it made them sad, it made them mad. I figure that I'm going to go to hell for that and plenty of other things also. My affair with Bob was my fault and that is really breaking the Ten Commandments. I figure that I broke most of the Ten Commandments in the short time that I had been alive on earth.
Tomorrow, Ann finishes watching the movie of her life game, and is wracked with pain and fear that she has blown her last life game.
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