STAKING OUT GOLD MINING CLAIMS

Staking out gold mining claims, our first grandchild is born, and STARNET is bought by Ford Aerospace.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 27...HELL

Staking a mining claim in the Chariot Canyon was grueling business. The canyon walls were very steep and we had to go up most of the mountainsides on our bellies. The brush was so thick-the canyon had not burned up in years-that there was no way to just stand up and walk the sides of the claim, so we crept along, looking for snakes as we went, because the canyon was full of rattlesnakes. The ground itself was hard and rocky, and little pebbles could cause you to slide back from where you were holding on by your toenails.

We initially staked out six mining claims and a millsite claim. We had it in our minds that we would build a little cabin on the millsite so that we could base our mining business there. We planned to build our own mill eventually so that we could refine our own gold ore. My brother, Charley, loved Chariot Canyon and asked us if he could stay at the millsite and be working on the cabin. That made us very happy and we settled him in up there in an old truck bed made into a shelter for him. There was a stream that ran past the millsite for him to have water. We named the millsite the Golden Oaks Millsite.

It was wonderful to be able to take the children out into the country on the weekends where they could roam and have fun away from our poisonous neighborhood. We would have a barbecue after the work was done, and Bruce taught all of the children how to handle and shoot guns. A gun was a tool in the mountains; a necessary tool. There were rattlesnakes and sidewinders to begin with, and then there was the necessity of keeping people from trying to steal your mining claims and the machinery you had to run the mine. We were a long way from the Sheriff, and the people who came as a threat, came with loaded guns.

My first grandchild, Laura, was born in May of 1983. What a beautiful baby she was! I was so proud of her. Debby brought her out to see us in 1984 and was so lonely for home that she made plans to return permanently. That made me really happy.

My company, Starnet Corporation, was bought by Ford Aerospace and Communications Corporation in 1985. We were all so thrilled to be working for Ford as they required our best work from all of us, and proved our little company to be successful. We worked our hearts out for the Ford management and they were very generous to us in return.

My mother was finally in a bad accident in her car, she drove over a sidewalk and into a palm tree in someone's front yard. She was put in a hospital where they had a chance to observe her for a while and see that she tried to run away at every opportunity. The doctor's decided to have her committed to a locked hospital and I no longer had to worry about her safety. She became as a little child and delighted in playing with the dollies that I bought her. I never saw my mother look as happy as she did now, playing at tea party with her doll babies. You could forgive her for anything she was so delightful.

Unfortunately, daddy didn't fare as well as mother. For a while he kept his own apartment and then he decided to go into an assisted living home. He stopped finding it pleasurable to drive, as his arthritis hurt him so badly, and so he gave up his car; but he got around well on the bus for a while.

The neighborhood settled down some and the children began to do well in school. We all had family therapy once a week and it seemed to keep us together and engaged in the struggle to grow and improve our living conditions. My salary allowed me to get off of welfare totally, but Bruce retained the welfare for his family. I guess he felt the need for security. We were eating well, the children had clothes and shoes, and I could see a lot of blue sky for the future. Then, out of the blue, Bruce's children's mother arrived back in town wanting to see her children. She said that she was divorcing her husband and moving back to San Diego. Bruce's children were ecstatic that their mother was back, even though the two youngest children did not remember her at all. Bruce insisted that she not be allowed to even see the children because she was so self-absorbed and self-centered that he was afraid that she would just take them and run away with them. I counseled him to allow her to see them, but in a contolled environment. He finally did allow her to see them. Boy, did I regret my input on that one! From the time Pat, their mother, saw them, she began to divide and conquer our family. She did not stop her plan until she had Belinda and Janice living with her.

I learned many years later, that Bruce was not good to my children. Some of it was obvious. He and Becky and Debby locked horns many times. Bruce was not as supportive of Becky as he had been, and Debby fought against Bruce so hard that it was little wonder that he didn't care for her. The boys and Becky were treated the worst. Bruce would have my children do all of the house and yard work while he and his children sat and watched them. When I was home on the weekends, all of the children had to clean the house and work at the millsite; it was a lot more equitable then. Charlie was so upset with Bruce that he began to spend his off-school hours with his friend Jay's parents; and they opened up their home to him. Charlie was quiet and an introvert and he did not like Bruce taking the place that was his father's. I understood my son and allowed him to spend time with his friend's family. David was a true scholar and was valedictorian of his Junior High School class. David was always social and had many, many friends both male and female. He was loved by his teachers, and the other people who lived on the block, and that made life palatable for David. Jared missed my being home with him, but he was proud of what I was doing, and he did very well in  school.


Tomorrow we are expecting our first black grandchild...

ANN GOES THROUGH MANY CHANGES

Today Ann faces many changes in her life: she sends Debby to Iowa; Graduates from computer college; goes to Iowa to get her boys; gets an aces career opportunity; & stakes out gold mining claims.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 26...HELL

I missed the boys desperately and I was trying to save money to make a trip to get them in the summer. Meanwhile, mother's mind was losing its grip to senile dementia and she was making daddy's life a living hell. Daddy's legs were covered in sores from a dermatitis he suffered with, that was exacerbated by stress. He couldn't even sleep he was so stressed. Mother spent hundreds of dollars a day buying promotions on television and on the Home Shopping Network. Then she'd suddenly get a whim and get in her car and disappear for days or weeks. Daddy could then get some rest. He and I began praying for her not to reappear in too short a time.

We had to send Debby back to live with her dad when she turned 19. She was unable to find work and she was having trouble with hitting the little children in her frustration. We could not keep her without her finding a job and contributing to the finances, as the Welfare Department had strict rules about supporting a child who was no longer in school and not contributing to the family. We put her on a Greyhound bus to Iowa, and it was heartbreaking for me to lose another child because of the system. Becky was in and out of the hospital and not doing well in between. She was actively into drugs again and she had very erratic behavior that frightened the younger children. So as I lost my family, I reapplied myself to school and getting straight A's. I felt that if I worked hard enough that I could get a good job and pull all of my family back together again.

Time passed, and that was a blessing. I graduated from Coleman College with a Certificate in Computer Science, with almost straight A's, and as the President of the Student Body.

For a graduation present, mom gave me a credit card to use to go back to Iowa to get the boys and bring them home. Bruce and I set off in his old 1956 Chevy Truck, with five cylinders working, praying that we would make it to Iowa and back. We ran into some problems, but Bruce was an excellent mechanic, and mom had given us the card for emergencies, so we made it.

When we drove out of Iowa with the boys, it was one of the most freeing moments of my life. I finally had my boys back, and we also learned that Debby was pregnant from a young American Indian man from our neighborhood in Santee; he had been part of the neighborhood boys that had given us so much trouble, although this particular young man had not been one who had ever done us any harm personally, his name was Michael and he was very handsome. So I would soon be a grandmother.

We had a career day at Coleman College when I was in my last block of classes, and as President of the Student Body it was my responsibility to set up the booths that the various companies would use. As I saw the booths set up, I got a very good idea of what each company represented and I saw one company that really struck me as being very special. I assigned myself to that booth, for the Starnet Corporation, and served the company's representatives all day long, thus getting to become friends with the ladies from the Human Resources Department. As ONE blessed, I was able to parlay that experience into a temporary job with their company when I finished Coleman College.

We got the children settled into their new school year, and I began to work for Starnet as a temporary employee. Starnet was a telecommunications company that had just started up, and most new employees were hired temporarily until the business got onto its feet solidly. I worked in the Traffic Engineering Department as a beginning associate Traffic Engineer. What fascinating work! I loved the attention to detail that the job required. Six months later I was hired as an Associate Traffic Engineer. It was my job to design and implement telecommunication switches. I was given the cities of New York, Miami, Washington D.C., and Denver to make sure that each city had the needed amount of lines and switches to handle the call volume of all of our customers. I was also given a scholarship to National University to take higher math classes such as Probability and Statistics so that I could do my job better. To me, I was in heaven. I pasionately loved Starnet and the opportunity she gave me, and I worked hard, long hours every day.

Weekends were first spent cleaning the house, and then going up to the Julian Moutains to visit Bruce's dad, George, on his mining claim in Chariot Canyon. I fell in love with George's mine; his shafts and his millhouse that he had built with his own two hands, were works of perfect art and function. I really admred George and George was lonely up in the mountains all alone with no family around. He was happy that at least one of his five sons was still interested in the mine. Dad, George, had taken a lot of gold out of his many mines. He had raised his family on the proceeds, but now he was largely retired. He wondered what was going to happen to his mines when he should pass away; he was afraid that they would fall into the hands of strangers. He began to encourage us to stake out our own claims and begin to work them ourselves. His wife, Esther, gave us all of the Bureau of Land Management's rules and regulations and I took them home to absorb them. Bruce had a very good friend, Bob, who was very generous in helping us out with financial problems at times. We talked over with this friend an idea that we would, the three of us, stake out and run mining claims together. Bob would be the money man, Bruce would be the one with the mining experience, and I would be the paperwork person. It seemed like a plan drawn up in heaven.


Tomorrow we follow Ann as she stakes out mining claims, her first grandchild is born, and Ford Aerospace & Communications Corporation buys Starnet

NEIGHBORHOOD BOYS ATTEMPT TO KILL BRIAN

Today the neighborhood boys attempt to kill Brian & ritually kill two baby goats in front of him, & Ann begins Computer College.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 26...HELL

Brian was a heavy frustration to me. I felt uncomfortable around him and yet he was a child and I had to mother him and make sure that he got love and his needs met. Two days after I had met Bruce, two friends of his, a husband and a wife, came to tell me that they suspected that another friend of Bruce's, an old Jim, had been molesting Brian since he was two years old. Brian also suffered from fetal alcohol syndrome and his intelligence level was just enough for him to go to a special school to have his needs met. Brian was an engaging, funny little boy, but he had poor impulse control.

Our Santee neighborhood was run by a gang of boys who "worshipped Satan." They thought they were real tough and made every single house in the neighborhood afraid of them. One day about nine boys and girls took Brian and had him smoke Marijuana, then when he was good and stoned, they started to pour alcohol down his throat. Brian cooperated because he was the center of attention, and they didn't stop until he got really drunk. That afternoon Brian walked across the kitchen floor and I saw his staggered gait-he was on Mellaril, and alcohol and Mellaril are a deadly combinaton-I asked him what he had been doing and he told me what the boys had done to him. I immediately knew there was a big problem and grabbed him and screamed to his father to get his medical cards and the truck right NOW! We got him to the hospital, but Brian died three times before resuscitation was successful. At first, the police were going to arrest Bruce for attempted homicide, but we told them what had happened, and they went after the neighborhood boys and girls who had participated.

After that, we started a Neighborhood Watch Program in the neighborhood and all of the other neighbors and ourselves vowed that we would stand together and protect each other and all of our properties. In retaliation for this, the neighborhood boys came over our fence one afternoon, when Brian was alone in the yard, and killed our three baby goats in front of him and even drank some of the goat's blood. It was a terrible thing for the little boy and the goats; we pressed charges against the neighborhood boys, and they were found guilty and were put on probation.

The neighborhood boys really got under Bruce's skin, which I could understand, but Bruce began to do stupid little stunts back, just to laugh in their faces. Suffice it to say that the neighborhood was tough and became tougher, and I went out of my mind with the stress of never knowing what I was going to come home to find.

Bruce had been totally disabled on a construction job four years before we met, but he went onto welfare to get help with raising his children instead of trying for disability. In some ways Bruce was a little slow, in other ways, he was very smart, and he was certainly talented; truly a jack of all trades. We began the struggle to get Social Security benefits for him but it took us six years from the time we got together to be successful.

At the same time, I couldn't get computers out of my mind, and I determined to find a way to go to Coleman College, in La Mesa, to study computer programming. The welfare department had given both Bruce and I the same worker, Mrs. Hunten, and she said that I could go to school full time if I only had some little job also. I passed the testing to get into the college and the college admitted me in January 1983. The college also gave me a small job cutting out classified ads for the job scrapbook the school kept. I was so happy at school, it would last nine months, and every day was precious to me. It seemed to me that if I didn't get myself a career in a good field, very soon, that I could never give my now huge family a step up in life. I put blindfolds on and pressed forward. If I did very well, in only nine months I would be able to program in seven languages, and receive a Certificate in Computer Science. If I had had an Associate's Degree previously, I could have graduated with a Bachelor of Science Degree, but I didn't have one, so the best I could do was a Certificate. To me that sounded like heaven.

I was happy at Coleman College and did very well. I loved computers as much as I had imagined that I would. I stayed at school to finish getting my programs to run, and then I would rush home to see what had happened on the home front.

Becky was living at home and going to a special school, so there was a total of six children in the home; their resistance to Bruce and I was incredible. They seemed to hate each other, yet put their heads together to try to force our little family to split up. Bruce's children were not used to structure in the home, and my girls didn't want to be told by Bruce what to do.

You know, my friend, I've been trying to tell you my story in some kind of logical manner and order, and I'm losing control of the different parts right here. Maybe that's because life was out of control at that time. I hung onto computers as if they were a lifeline. They were, to my sanity.


Tomorrow, Ann graduates from computer college and then drives to Iowa to get her boys. She gets a job as an engineer and the beginning of our gold mining claims were staked.

BRUCE'S VIOLENT PAST: HELL'S ANGELS & MURDER

Today Ann discovers Bruce's past as a Hell's Angel and having killed his father-in-law. Brian has begun molesting little girls...

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 25...HELL

Bruce was a welder, mechanic, gunsmith, and gold miner. His father, George, had a gold mining claim in the Julian Moutains. Bruce graduated from Julian High School, he had been a drummer in the Junior and Senior High School Bands; he had also been the driving spirit on the basketball team that took C.I.F. Championships the four years that he played.

Bruce was born in downtown San Diego, like me, but in a different hospital, in 1936; he was eight years older than I. He had been raised on one of his father's gold mining claims and learned to handle a really tough lifestyle.

Bruce was a Hell's Angel who knew Sonny Barger, but he was also one of the first members to leave the Hell's Angels and go through one of their ceremonies to burn his colors. He became a California State Forest Ranger and worked out of the Julian ofice and was then transferred to the El Centro area where he married his first wife and had two boys. They divorced and he moved to San Diego and began work as a welder, eventually becoming a master welder. During this period, he shot and killed hs ex-father-in-law in self-defense and was vindicated by the Courts, but never forgave himself.

There was a second marriage to a woman named Claudia which lasted only a few months and was annulled when he found her making love with two other women. Then he met the children's mother and they had a long marriage that ended when she walked out on him and the children for another man. Can you understand why I chose not to be involved as a fourth wife? However, Bruce and I were together for so long that we would have been common-law husband and wife, if California had had such a statute. I will give mom and dad credit that they accepted Bruce right from the beginning and also his children became their grandchildren without a second thought. My parents were very open to loving the grandchildren and great-grandchildren when they came. They seemed to have no prejudices when it came to family. They never once urged me to marry Bruce, nor did they counsel me not to marry Bruce, they just accepted and loved him as he was, and the situation as it was.

CHAPTER 26...

As parents we wish the profoundest good things for our children. We dream of their possible futures and that they will, in their own time, touch the world with love. To that end, we give of our very souls to push them towards the light just a fraction more, to say once again, "I love you," to mean, I will give you all that I can gain so that one day you too will send children out to heal a weary world.

When you feel differently towards a child, you see it as a failure of your own heart; a feeling of abject unworthiness to being called a parent; at least in the truest sense. So I struggled with my feelings towards Brian.

You had to really observe Brian constantly. There was something negative going on in his little person. He was a beautiful boy; tall, with blonde hair and beautiful brown eyes. But when you looked into those eyes there was an emptiness; a sadness.

Things happened around Brian and to him. He was once subjected to witnessing baby goats beng ritually slaughtered by the boys next door; the same boys later also nearly killed him.

I found that I could not love Brian as totally and freely as I did the other three. There was some kind of uneasiness I felt around him. I couldn't get Bruce to listen to me that Brian needed special help, but I did put enough pressure on Bruce to get Brian to see a child psychiatrist. This psychiatrist told me not to struggle with trying to give Brian tender motherly love, but to make sure that he lived in a structured environment, and to care for him as a person. He said that Bruce and Brian's grandmother could give the boy the hugs and kisses. When the principals of Brian's schools would tell Bruce that Brian had been feeling-up little girls in school, Bruce would just shrug his shoulders and say that the principal was prejudiced against Brian.


Tomorrow we learn more about Brian's life and struggles, and how the neighborhood boys tried to kill him with drugs and alcohol.

BRUCE COMES TO THE RESCUE!

Ann struggles with losing her home and then meets her next door neighbor, Bruce.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 25...HELL

I was having a great deal of trouble making ends meet. I was slipping pieces of cardboard into the boy's shoes in order for them to last longer, and had no money to buy them new clothes or shoes. I could barely feed the children and still pay the first mortgage, the utilities, and gasoline and insurance for the car. I could have married Ben, but I would have rather died than enter into such a lopsided relationship, where I had no power over the future of my children. I decided that I would have to send the boys back to their father for a year in order to find a place to live and get back upon my feet. The summer of 1981 I took the boys back to Iowa on a bus so they could live with their father for a year; doing so ripped my heart out. I felt so betrayed by Charles not living up to his agreements, yet I was forced to be separated from the boys because I had no recourse.

I returned to San Diego knowing I only had another month to live in our dear Bradley Avenue house. Debby was the only one left at home because Becky was still living at Vista Hill, so all I had to worry about was the two of us; but where to go, and how to survive?

Two days later there was a knock at the door and I opened it to find my next door neighbor, Bruce. He was raising his four children, ages six to thirteen, and he needed a place to rent as his current house was being sold by the owner in another month. He wondered if I would rent my house to him. I invited him inside and had him eat a sandwich and tell me his story. What a story. Bruce was a disabled master welder and the only parent in his children's lives as his wife had left him for another man and now lived in Michigan. He had no idea what he was going to do and I had to tell him the bind that I was in also. We were both very discouraged and tried to cheer the other person up. He left for home very depressed. My mind went into high gear, and my heart was tenderized by his sad plight; identical to my own.

The next day I thought that I had a practical solution for all of us. I asked Bruce to come over to my house with his mother, Margaret, who was a lovely woman. I laid out my plan to the two of them. True, Bruce and I were strangers, but I had already felt that Bruce had a good heart. I suggested that we put our incomes together and try to find one house that would fit all of our children-all nine of them. I showed Bruce and his mother that together we could afford rent, utilities, food, and clothes for the children, if we were careful with our money and went to Good Will. Bruce and his mother were shocked at first. What would our relationship be? I said that I thought that we could love each other since we had such similar problems and both of us put our children first in life. Frankly, I didn't see a choice for either of us, except to try to win together, for the sake of all the children. There was just one more loose item to remedy; Ben. I called Ben and asked if I could come and see him; we had not yet broken off our relationship. I went up to Rancho Bernardo and spent about one half-hour with him. It was the usual negative meeting, and I just felt that I was tired of on-off relationships and relationships full of stress; with Bruce there was peace and caring for my situation. I said good-bye to Ben that day and went back home very relieved to have found a person who was calm and child-oriented. From that moment Bruce and I committed to each other to raise the children together for the good, or the not-so-good, of all of our futures.

Bruce asked me to marry him, but he had been married three times already, and I did not want to be a fourth wife, so I said, "no." He bought me an engagement ring anyway, and I accepted him and it. We were to be together for the next 21 years; until the day he passed away.

We began a desperate search for a house to rent anywhere in east San Diego County. We prayed hard together and finally we found a nice house in Santee with an owner who was looking for long-term tenants and was not afraid of renting to nine children. The man, Lonnie, was a saint and a lovely landlord. The Lord had blessed us.

It was tough, I will not kid you. We started out with Bruce's children and Debby and Becky. Bruce had an understanding and acceptance of Becky, and he never turned his back on her. Debby was almost eighteen and about to fly out on her own-we thought. Belinda was 13 and had taken to running around with boys of late. Kelly was 12, and a very sweet girl. Janice was seven and very timid, and Brian was six and looking for a mother. It turned out that Brian and Jared were born two days apart in the same hospital, Grossmont, and that he and Jared had been under the anti-bilirubin lights together as they had both been born with jaundice. It also turned out that Bruce's wife had been my roommate in the hospital for two days, until I asked for a new roommate since Bruce's wife was a chain-smoker. So many "coincidences" seemed to surround us, and I didn't believe that there were really any "coincidences" in life. I began to see that, strange as it may appear, ONE had a plan for both of our families, and he does love his children so much.


Tomorrow we get to know Bruce a little better and hear some shocking stories of his past "lives." Problems surface with Brian.

ANN & THE CHILDREN LOSE THEIR HOME

Ann works hard at the synagogoue but Charles doesn't pay child support or the second mortgage on the house, and so the house is lost.

THE GOD GAMES : Heaven & Hell...Chapter 25...HELL

When I had been working in the synagogue for two years, the rabbi told the congregation that he was working on a new book, and that he was going to spend his summer sabbatical in the Idlewild mountains with an old boyhood friend, Dr. Jonas, who was a famous scientist,  and who wanted to spend some time discussing the subject of religion and spirituality together, they would co-author the book. It was a wildly exciting time for Rabbi and the congregation, and of course for those of us who would be transcribing the book, Christine and I, when the summer was over.

 The Rabbi came back from his summer with a new lease on life and lots of work for Christine and me. We would take the tapes home with us and transcribe the tapes in the evening. It was a wonderful privilege to listen to the thoughts and dreams of the two great minds. I will not divulge what was said as that was sacred between the two men, but Christine and I privately wondered when the rabbi was going to get around to the answers that this scientist was seeking.  Rabbi spoke on a very high and scholarly level, but the scientist's questions were of the more personal, simple nature of a man seeking to know God better, and fit that knowledge into the format of scientific logic.

  Besides working as one of the synagogue secretaries, I was also active as a member. I was on the ritual committee and organized the yahrzeits (remembrance of relatives who had passed away) and minyan attendance so that each morning and each evening minyan was met, and prayers and the Kaddish could be said. A minyan is the requirement of ten men to say the prayers and lay on teffilan. I also organized the High Holy Day choir and sang in it.

I loved Congregation Beth Simcha and each member of the shul (synagogue). I knew each nook and cranny of that building and many a night would find me alone in the building praying. Yet I never felt alone for all the spirits of passed members of the synagogue were there with me, guarding the Torah. And the joy of holding a Torah Scroll on Simchat Torah (Joy of the Torah) cannot be put into simple words.

The enrgy in the synagogue was palpable. So many of our members were victims of the Holocaust and our walls were lined with their relative's names and dates. Twenty-eight years have passed and when I think of the shul I can still feel surrounded by their presence.

During the years I had worked at the synagogue I was also involved with Jewish Singles and had met a wonderful young man named Phil. Phil had never been married and had no children, but he and I dated for some time. He was a very exciting man and we went everywhere together. One day Phil dropped around to the synagogue office and asked me out for lunch. At lunch he asked me to marry him and of all the terrible things to do, I laughed out loud. I thought sure he was joking; how could he seriously want to marry a woman with five children? Then I saw the stricken look on his face and I have regretted my laughter for over 25 years; if I could only take it back. I told him why I had laughed and that I thought the world of him, but he needed to marry someone who could give him children. We did not date again.

Shortly thereafter, I introduced myself to Ben. Ben was 40 years older than I, but what a human dynamo. He had made a great deal of money in construction and had his fingers in the running of several synagogues, including ours. He was a mover and a shaker and he had caused me to admire him many times over the years, especially in his level of presence in our shul. We dated and things were serious between us, but I began to see that just having money does not a hero make. He promised my children many things for their future, and I was sure he would keep his word, but his aim was not to help me raise my children, but to put them in schools in Europe. This proposal did not suit me at all and the relationship was never meant to be. I began to pull away; several things were brewing in "real life" for me and my family.

Around this time I had fallen in love with computers and when offered a job at a photo developing company, I jumped at the opportunity, because I got to use a computer to price the packages of developed film. I was making more money that at the shul, and I felt my life going in a different direction. After work I would just go back by the mainframe and stare at the massive computer. I wanted to work with those wonderful machines; I wanted to become a computer programmer.

Then I heard from the company that held the second mortgage on the house and learned that Charles had never made a payment on the house and I was now in foreclosure. My parents would not give me the money to make up the back payments and I had no one else to turn to. Yes, I could have asked Ben, but that would have made me "owe" him something and I did not want to be under his thumb. I did not know what I was going to do. I also learned from the Welfare Department that Charles was not making his child support payments to them.


Tomorrow, Ann is saved from the streets by Bruce...

   

  

   

ANN IS EXCOMMUNICATED BY THE MORMON CHURCH

Ann requests excommunication from the Mormon (LDS) Church and leaves. She is then hired by Rabbi Sams to be his assistant.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 24...HELL

I still loved Jesus, but I now saw him in the context of the reality of living at his time and in his faith. He was Jewish and a young rabbi (teacher). I believed him to be the son of God, but not God himself. He was a great rabbi and his words I live by, for they are messages of pure love for all people. Then I called my Bishop up and asked for an excommunication from the Mormon Church.

Two weeks later the Bishop's Court convened and I sat in a room surrounded by several men that I had come to love dearly over the years. I was keeping the Word of Wisdom (not to drink alcohol, smoke, use drugs, or use tea or coffee), and I was still faithful to Charles. I was a "worthy Temple Recommend holder." What I told them was the truth, that I no longer believed that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. The men began to cry. I told them that I still loved the Church and all of my friends deeply. I was very grateful for all that the Church at taught me and done for me over the years, but I needed to go home to my own people. I wanted to go home.

The men understood what I was saying, but they were still crying. My heart was wrenched by the depth of the love that I felt. The Bishop walked me outside and I swore to him that I would not discuss my decision with my Mormon friends, but just drop out of activity. I kept my word to him. The loss of the daily friendship of many woman friends is a burden I still feel deeply.

Then I felt freer than I had ever felt before. I continued my study of Judaism, and became actively involved in the Synagogue's life. After many months of study and prayer, Rabbi Sams said that it was time for me to have a Bat Mitzvah, thereby converting to Judaism. I talked to the Rabbi about my having worn Temple garments and he had me exchange them for making and wearing a feminine tallit kitan. Then he gave me the name of Ruth for a Hebrew name. I had my Bat Mitzvah in May of 1979 and many of the synagogue members came to wish me their best.

When it came time for Charles to move to Iowa, he took me to the Welfare Department and had me go through the process of getting money, food stamps, and medical coverage for myself  and the children to live on when he was gone. He had no plans to pay child support or the second mortgage on our house, but he did not tell me so then. The Welfare office required that I have at least a part-time job in order to collect welfare. I had no idea what I was going to do as I had absolutely no job experience, so I went to see Rabbi Sams to see if he had any idea of how I could find a job.

Rabbi was sad to hear of the break-up of Charles' and my marriage, but he did have an idea of a job for me. He asked me to be his personal assistant after his summer sabbatical. I was overjoyed; I would get to work in my beloved synagogue and study in the large synagogue religious library. Rabbi said I could even study Talmud, after my work was done.

In October 1979, Charles retired from the Navy and left for Iowa. The children were devastated that he would leave them, but he did not want children hanging on him while he set up his new life. He hadn't been in Iowa very long when he met a fine woman named Arleen and as soon as our divorce was final, they got married. She also had children but they weren't all living with her.

One Mormon friend I kept for she would have it no other way. Her name was Judy, and she had been my friend since Charlie was a baby. She began to babysit the children for me when I was at work in the synagogue. She knew every thought I had had since we first met and understood the major decisions that I was making. What she didn't do is judge me, or try to change me, she just accepted me for who I was. I love her dearly.

Working in the synagogue I made two wonderful new friends; Christine, who was Catholic and the office manager, and Tony, who was also Catholic and was the janitor. We had a deep understanding of each other's point of view, and a great respect for each other as persons.

Rabbi Sams was such a busy man that his office had become cluttered and it was my honor to help him organize and sort out the trash from the important papers and magazines. Then I would take his dictation and run errands for him. I was never happier in my life, but what about the children and how they felt being uprooted from the Mormon Church? Debby and Becky were very happy and enjoyed the synagogue, particularly as I did not make them go to services. I put Charlie, David, and Jared in Hebrew School, but Charlie was not happy. He had left his life-long friends in the Mormon Church, particularly Jay and Jay's parents, who were like second parents for him. The Rabbi took me aside one day and gave me some instructions that were very wise. He said that whereas I had raised the older three children as Mormons that it was not fair to them to have to change just because I did. Debby and Becky enjoyed the change as they had had trouble with the Church policy of looking down upon the poorer members, believing, as the Church does, that if you are living righteously the Lord will bless you with financial wealth. Charlie, however, loved the Church and so I gave him his freedom to go wherever he felt so moved. He chose Jay's parents and the Church as religious models and yet still loved me and spported me in what I was doing. Also, the Rabbi counseled me to keep all of the holidays in the home as I had raised my children loving the Christian holidays. The children adjusted well  to celebrating even more wonderful holidays. David and Jared continued in Hebrew School and did well as they were only three and six at the time, just ready to start the school. They went to Hebrew School for three years and were studying to become Bar Mitzvah when they turned 13.


Tomorrow Ann continues her work at the synagogue, begins to date after her divorce is final, and gets a job working with computers...

ANN'S SYNAGOGUE EXPERIENCE & THE HOLOCAUST SURVIVOR

Today Ann spends time in the Synagogue, the Mormon Jewish Missionary Program, and Harry Wishnak.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 24...HELL.

Charles was not too interested in actually going to services, but I very much wanted to go, and the following Friday afternoon found me at the synagogue. I sat in the very back and marveled at the beauty of the ark (where the Torah scrolls reside), and the bima (podium). Then the services began with the chanting of the Ma Tovu (how goodly are your tents, oh Jacob...) and the L'Chah Dodi (Come Sabbath Bride). When the chanting began, I was transported to some other world of absolute spiritual joy, and my heart burst free within me; I was home.

At the end of the service, the rabbi invited me to come back at any time that I wanted to; and that was the next morning. I became a regular and began learning Hebrew and memorizing the Shabbat hymns. We had let the rabbi know that we were Mormons when we first saw him and the rabbi saw, as time went on, that I was becoming very serious about the services. He made himself available to counsel me and I told him that my feelings were becoming so strong at the synagogue that I was thinking of converting to Judaism. He told me to study, always to study. He led me book by book to a passion for Judaism and the Jewish people, but he counseled me to pray and study, and then pray and study some more. I did.

I woke up one morning to a clash of cultures and doctrines, and the very real fact that I loved Jesus Christ and where did that leave me in my current explorations. I decided to talk to the L.D.S. San Diego Mission President, Hartman Rector, and when I called him, he opened up his home to me and asked me to come and talk to him. I poured out my heart to him about my conflicting feelings, and he looked at me and said, Sister Ann, you are in danger of losing your soul if you continue on as you have been doing. Then we knelt in prayer, and I could feel the power of the priesthood surround us as he prayed that the Lord would give me some answers to this conflict inside of me. When he finished praying, he had received an  answer to the situation. Charles and I could become a part of the Jewish Missionary progrsm and be an ambassador to the synagogue from the Church, and also go from ward to ward around the Mission to teach Church members about the Jewish religion and culture.

I felt very much relieved, and we threw ourselves into both the Church and the Synagogue, learning as much as we could and studying, praying, and studying some more. Then I began to feel a shift in my consciousness, and I realized that at some point in my heart and mind I had become Jewish.

                                                              MR. WISHNAK

Mr. Wishnak is the reason.
If you say I need a reason to convert,
Then he is the reason.

Mr. Wishnak lost everything in the Holocaust:
His wife;
His five children;

His father and mother;
His brothers and sisters;
His cousins, aunts, and uncles;
His grandparents.

All of his friends;
His home;
His country;
And all of his possessions.

He lost more than Job;
For Job at least had his friends and country.
Mr. Wishnak was stronger than Job;
He kept his faith,
He kept his love of G-d,
He kept his religion,
Most of all, he kept his voice.

Mr. Wishnak has a strong voice.
His voice rings out above all the other voices in the Synagogue.
His voice had to be strong-
To last through the years of death and forced labor.

His voice has to be strong-
To speak for the thousands that he remembers.
It has to be strong,
To speak the feelings of his heart.

Mr. Wishnak survived Auschwitz and Buchenwald.
When he left the camps,
He was crippled in body,
But his soul was strong!

Mr. Wishnak knew the Torah.
He knew the Haftorahs,
he knew the prayers and services,
He knew the festivals;
Mr. Wishnak knew everything he needed to know,
To lead his people spiritually in the camps.

On Pesach, they wished to make a Seder.
They found a single blade of grass to
Represent the green on the Seder plate.
There were other stories of privation and horror.

Mr.Wishnak said, "it would take me two weeks
To tell you all of the stories."
Most of our lives could be condensed
Into one day!

Mr. Wishnak said, "Maybe you think that
I should be bitter,
But I'm not...I wonder why?
I still love G-d."

Mr. Wishnak is an ordinary man
Who is extraordinary.
His love of G-d is not talked about,
It is just done.

He does not preach his beliefs,
He just lives them.

He is everything a Jew should be,
Must be-
Is!

He never thinks of himself as special,
He simply is what he is;
Mr. Wishnak walks with G-d.

Mr. Wishnak worried about leaving a memorial
To his father-
To his family.

This is the momorial:
I will never let my children forget Harry Wishnak
And all that he represents.

They will remember his father and mother,
His wives,
His children,
His cousins, aunts, and uncles.

His brothers and sisters,
His friends,
His life!

As long as the generations
Of my children live,
Mr. Wishnak's voice will still be heard.

I wrote the above poem after spending a great deal of time with Mr. Wishnak. Mr. Wishnak loved David and Jared because they reminded him of his own sons. After he passed away, his wife gave me permission to name Jared after Mr. Wishnak for his Hebrew name: Yared Herschel Tzvi Charachaman.


Tomorrow Ann is disfellowshiped from the Mormon Church; Charles leaves for Iowa; and Ann gets a new job at the Synagogue.

CHARLES ABUSES THE CHILDREN & ANN VISITS A SYNAGOGUE

Charles begins to abuse the children and Ann visits a Synagogue once she learns that she is partly Jewish.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 23...HELL.

Charles had started to take out his anger against life on our children. For 11 years of our marriage he had been gone overseas. He had not spent much time with all the children, and their noise, and just the presence of five cildren all at once in a house that was 900 square feet in total-and had one bathroom-was very difficult for him. He wanted total quiet when he came home exhausted from a day of teaching and there was no place to escape to; our walls were thin and there was no television in our bedroom. So he would just go "out." "Out," meant into the arms and home of someone else; my neighbor, who was my "friend," or one of several other of my "friends." Why he had to pick my friends to fool around with I never understood, but they would eventually feel really guilty and come and confess to me. Yet I haven't even addressed the real problem yet, and that was physical violence towards our children. It wasn't that he would beat them, or spank them over-hard, it was just that at some moment he would "break"-maybe the children were fighting verbally, or one child would hit the other-and he would jump out of his chair and backhand one of them, or fling them against a wall, and then stomp out of the house. Maybe we would be driving along and a fight would break out and he would lose his cool and start driving fast and erratically. The children and I would be screaming and begging him to slow down, and eventually he would. I began to suspect that Charles had an emotional problem also, and I asked him to talk to Dr. LaMar about it. Charles said that he didn't have any problems and that he would not ask for any help; or take any medication. It was when he said that, that I decided the marriage could not go on. I loved him and cared about him, but I loved my children more, and was unwilling to put them through any more physical or mental damage. Our marriage was ended, and we filed for divorce. We used the same lawyer and had no disagreements as to how things should be divided. It was an amicable divorce; I received full custody of the children and he was to pay child support and the second mortgage on the house. I, on the other hand, signed over my rights to his Navy retirement, and received the house as my part of the bargain. We both felt that the agreement was fair. The judge left open the right for me to receive spousal support, but I never pursued that option.

CHAPTER 24...

Then there were the religious issues that came up. When Charles had done the genealogy on my birth mother, he had found out that my maternal grandfather was German Jewish: Harry Block. There was no question about my grandfather being Jewish. Now that did not automatically make me Jewish-by Jewish law that is. According to Jewish law, being Jewish comes through the mother; from mother to daughter, and so on down, and my mother's mother was English, not Jewish. Therefore I was not a Jew, even though I had always prayed to be Jewish and to find out that I had a Jewish family. Nevertheless, the reason for a lot of feelings became clear to me, and it became very clear to me that I am Jewish-despite what Jewish law said.

However, in fact, I was an active Christian and loved Jesus Christ-who is Jewish also-and I didn't feel like there was too much of a dichotomy for my soul to bear by loving two religions. I felt a tremendous draw to go to see a rabbi and be in a synagogue, and try to see if a rabbi would consider me crazy. I went to the yellow pages and looked up synagogues. I chose, for no paricular reason, Congregation Beth Simcha, in San Diego, not too far from my home.

I called the synagogue office and made an appointment with the rabbi, Rabbi Sams. Rabbi Sams was very kind and supportive. We told him that Charles had found out, while doing genealogy, that his father was actually Russian Jewish, or rather that they had originally been German Jews who had immigrated to southwestern Russia when Catherine the Great had colonized the area with German Jewish farmers. The rabbi told Charles that he was from the same family of German Jews as his family. Then we told the rabbi that I had been adopted and that my grandfather was Harry Block, who was a German Jew, but the rabbi said that it would be highly unlikely for a Jewish girl to give up her baby to a non-Jewish family and that although I may have a grandfather who was Jewish, if my mother was not Jewish, that I would not be Jewish. However, he invited us to come to services anytime we would like to come.


Tomorrow, Ann explores Judaism, the Jewish Missionary Program and meets Mr. Wishnak.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

BECKY'S INSTITUTION & HER EXTREME PAIN

Becky's traumatic teen years; her institutionalization and her extreme suffering. The family's pain and sense of loss.

THE GOD GAMES : Heaven & Hell...Chapter 23...HELL.

So the police left and I struggled to keep Becky under control, and finally Charles came home. We had no options except to take her to the hospital; an adolescent psychiatric hospital in Chula Vista called Vista Hill. The trip was awful. Charles was struggling with tears and sobs as he drove the thirty miles, all the while Becky was in the back seat, with the belt still around one wrist, screaming profanities and saying all the thngs she was going to destroy and kill-including us. What had happened to our Becky? Our Becky who was so kind and gentle, so quiet.

There is nothing to compare to the pain of having orderlies drag your daughter away from you and put her in shackles. I could hear her screams as they dragged her down the hallway and into the locked unit. It was the first time I had to face the impossible because it was best for my child. She was placed in a locked room without padding; without anything else except a bed and plastic covered mattress and nothing at all else. It felt like I had a deep hole where my heart had been; the pain felt like I was going to die. They forced Charles and me to leave right away so that they could concentrate on handling her. We felt we had died, leaving our precious daughter to strangers, but we had to go home to take care of the other four, and to reassure them that their sister would be all right.

Becky never got all right. She was diagnosed with Schizo-Affective Disorder, Manic Deprssion, and Borderline Personality Disorder. The next yeas were torture for Becky and for our family. Becky could not always tell what was right and what was wrong and she would run away from home and get into trouble on the streets. You understand that she was only 13 when she first was diagnosed and entered the hospital. At first it was just boys that she ran after, then it was drugs, then it was prostitution to take care of both of her drives. The police would pick her up and return her to us but we had no way to physically control her. Charles wanted to handcuff her to the bed-we were desperate-but of course you cannot handcuff a child to her bed. yet what could you do? Hold on to her for hours at a time? She was too strong, and when I tried, she would just punch me and push me off of her. Then she would run out of the house and I could not catch her. Charles couldn't stay home, he was an instructor at Fleet Anti-Submarine Warfare School and had long hours at the base. Becky was stronger than the two of us together. Of course, the only solution was to confine her to an adolescent psychiatric hospital, and we had to do this for six years. She went to school there and graduated from Junior High. In the following years, as she grew older, she lost all sense of modesty and decorum. She was incoherent much of the time, but she had recovered a side to her that was still my sweet, loving daughter. And love her we did. All of us adored her. W prayed for her and wept for her, and did anything and everything that the doctor suggested. Of course we had family therapy for the next ten years and that helped us all to cope. The other children were devastated and embarrassed when Becky would drag herself home after escaping from the hospital-which she frequently did-and be on methamphetamine and/or heroin and stagger around the room and speak a garbled language. Once she came home without shoes on her feet and her feet were bleeding. All of us lived in fear that our Becky would die one day, or more likely be killed by one of the men she assossciated with. One man kept her captive in a hotel room for two weeks, until she got to a phone when he left one day, and asked me to come and rescue her. Seems he was wanted for murder and I feared the worst. I called the police and we met at the hotel and forced the owner to let us search for her. We found her where she said she was, and the man was with her. The police arrested the man, who was wanted, and he was eventually tried and convicted of first degree murder.

Finally in 1983, Becky found a wonderful man  to love, who loved her. Big Skeeta was a tall, strong, drug-free black man who came to us from New jersey where he had a wonderful family. Becky was only 17, and he was 25, but he was a man who was able to devote himself to her totally, and keep her under control. He made sure she took her medicine and saw her doctor regularly, and he was very family oriented, so Becky began to make great strides forward in her life. I breathed my first free breath in years.

In the meantime, Charles was about to retire from the service and he wanted to move back to a little town in Iowa, which was not a bad idea, except that there were no facilities to care for Becky and I was not going to leave my daughter in her shape and go across the country away from her. Then there were the real problems that lay between Charles and I.


Tomorrow we look at Charles' terrible child abuse and our divorce after 17 years of marriage.

ANN WRITES TO HER BIRTH MOTHER AND BECKY HAS A PSYCHOTIC BREAK

Ann communicates with her birth mother and Rebecca has a psychotic break.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 23...HELL.

I wrote a thirty page letter to my mother telling her how much I loved her and missed her, all about my childhood, and all about my family; especially the children. I sent her pictures of everyone and pictures that all the children drew for her. Then we also made a voice tape because I wanted my mother to hear one time that I loved her, from my own voice. Then the children all spoke on the tape, and also Charles. I asked her to do one thing for me; would she write me a note and call me Ruby, and tell me that she loved me. That was what I really needed to hear, that she still loved me like I loved her.

A month later, I got a letter form my mother, Shirley.

     "Dear Ruby (it said),
                Sorry, do not write or get in any furthur touch. Orville Wayne is not your father; he was in service at that time. Your father is an unknown rapist who attacked me on my way home from work in Walla Walla, Washington, and I was then sent to San Diego to work.

               As much as I would want to please do get in touch anymore as my husband does not know about you or does any of my family-too many years have gone by to cause all the sorrow it would bring on me. Please don't get in touch with me again.

                     Shirley Block"

It was great to see her writing and to know that the search was over, but the letter did hurt, however I had promised her that I would do as she asked me, so I put everything up in a special book and let the matter close. The thing is, that she put me on her Christmas card list-her family wrote long letters at Christmas to their friends about all of their yearly activities-and so I got to keep in touch with her as the years passed. I always kept my promise even though I know that I have two sister, Patricia and Diane, and a brother, Harry, and I would love to see them one day. I learned when she and Orville had their fiftieth wedding anniversary; when Orville passsed away; and then when mama passed away herself.

One incident did happen between my mother and I and it was Becky that brought it to pass. One year, many years after I received Mom's letter, Becky said to herself, She's my grandmother and I want health questions answered. I didn't make the promise and I'm going to call her. So Becky did, several times. She talked about the health issues and much, much more. Then Debby called her one day and talked with her and got to know her better. Mama was a wonderful woman very loved by her husband and her children. She had many friends and was very good natured. She did have many health issues and it helped us to know and prepare for them, Then one day as I was visiting Becky, Becky called mama up and then handed the phone to me, and I got to talk to mama for a few minutes and tell her that I loved her so much. She didn't exactly tell me that she loved me, but I did get to hear her sweet voice. How I do love her, and all of my sisters and brother.

The years, 1978 and 1979 stand out as little packages of hell for our family. Charles retired from the Navy, I changed religions, and our Becky had a psychotic break. I think that Becky's break was the worst thing that ever happened in our family.

Becky was grntle, soft-spoken, and compassionate. She was kind to all and quietly went about making everyone happy. She had a face like sunshine, and was always trying to make everyone happy in the house. She had a lot of friends, and helped one friend raise her horses.

One day I was sitting on the couch when the police stopped in front of the house; they took Becky out of the back seat and brought her inside. It seems that my little girl had run out into traffic and wanted to be run over. She said she wanted to die. The police left her in my care and suggested that I get a psychiatrist or some counseling for her.

I called Charles and he came straight home. Becky couldn't settle down and kept pacing and saying that she wanted to die. Charles called the Bishop and he sent us to Dr. LaMar. Dr. LaMar was the head of the Child Guidance Clinic at Children's Hospital in San Diego. He saw Becky and said that she was very ill emotionally and was having a psychotic break. He prescribed medicine for her and we got her started on it.

Two days later, the school called about Becky. They said she was in a corner screaming that everyone was trying to kill her, and could I come and get her. They asked me not to bring her back.

I went to school and I had brought a belt to put around her wrist to hold on to her as I drove her home. She thought that I was trying to kill her, and all the way home she screamed out the window that I was murdering her; but if I had not had the belt to restrain her, she would have jumped out of the car into traffic. I finally got her home and pulled her into the house. She became violent and grabbed a fork and tried to stab me with it. I kept her at arms length and dialed the phone for Dr. LaMar. When he came on the phone, he gave me the number for a specialist in adolescent psychiatry, Dr. Laurence. I got Dr. Laurence on the phone just as the police burst into my house because they thought I really was killing Becky. Then they saw her try to stab me and ZI told them that the psychiatrist was on the phone. They grabbed the phone and Dr. Laurence told them that she was psychotic and that I would be bringing her to the hospital as soon as my husband got home.


Tomorrow, Becky is in a full-blown psychotic break and destroys a hospital before she is brought under control. Her life is totally chaotic before she meets Big Skeeta.

ANN & HER MENTAL iLLNESS & CHARLES FINDS HER BIRTH MOTHER

Ann talks about her mental illness; the girls see the ghost of their sister; and Charles finds Ann's birth mother.

THE GOD GAMES : Heaven & Hell...Chapter 23...HELL.

What wonderful children ONE gave to Charles ad I. Debby was a gentle soul who deeply loved her friends, paticularly her friend Laura; they were inseparable. Becky was also a gentle soul; she was still sucking her thumb and holding her blanket until she was 12. She was quiet as a mouse and helped willingly with the younger children. Both girls were my right hands and helped me get through many struggles. Charlie was soft-spoken and quiet. He was a very sensitive and loving little boy who loved his grandmother and great-grandmother very much. This led to his having a broken heart, when Pansy Berle, his great-grandmother died, and much heartache when his grandmother, my mother, "cut him off at the knees." She would just ignore his attempts to show her love, and he finally gave it up, again broken-hearted. David was a love and never disobeyed. He was just filled with love, and boy did he love Guber Grape, a peanut butter with grape jelly running through it. Jared was the best baby, and as he grew it became obvious that he was very intelligent. He potty trained in one day. I showed him what to do-using a male doll that peed-and after one showing, the job was all done.

My mental illness hurt the children very much. They were always positive and supportive of me, but sometimes they did not understand their mother's moods which could go from abject despair and tears, to happiness and supreme joy. I tried to be a "good" mother whenever they were home, and save the depressions until they were at school, but sometimes that did not work out for me and the children would do everything in their power to cheer me up. I love my children even more than my own life and sometimes I would go into a depression just imagining how my children felt when things were bad. I am heartily sorry, my children, that I put you through all of the drama. The house was often in severe disarray and it would get really bad, and when I could stand it no more, I would put the children to bed and clean house all night long. Clean like my mother had taught me. The children would wake up in the moring and the house would be perfect, everything in its proper place; the floors washed and polished, the furniture gleaming, the kitchen spotless, all the wash done and put away. They would get up and think it was some kind of holiday and hate to leave it to go to school.

One night, about two months after Carol had died, the girls had a strange experience. The girls slept in bunk beds, Debby on the top, and Becky on the bottom. Becky had almost fallen asleep when she turned her head and saw a young girl, dressed all in white, with long black hair, standing by the side of her bed. The figure didn't say anything, but Becky turned away from it. Then Debby from her top bunk saw the girl in white, and said to Becky, "do you see what I see? Do you think it is Carol?" Becky told her "yes" she had seen her and it must be Carol. The little girl disappeared without saying anything, but the girls knew that their sister, Carol, had been to visit and let them know she was all right. The children were then able to accept the death of their sister as a normal part of life, and they knew that death was not the end of the life experience.

Charles was always fascinated with genealogy, as was I. It was a great church program and we spent time and money learning who our past relatives had been and getting their Temple work done, usually at the Los Angeles Temple. Over some time, Charles had been putting his skills as a detective and a genealogist to work to search for my birth mother, Shirley Loretta. In early 1979 he actually talked to a distant relative in Armour, Soth Dakota and found a great aunt who lived in the State of Washington. The relative gave us this great-aunt's telephone number. Charles called my great-aunt Gertrude, and she gave Charles the telephone number and address of my mother in Plummer, Idaho. Mother was still married to the same husband she had when I was born, and she had two daughters and a son, and grandchildren. One daughter, Patricia, still lived in Plummer also.

Then Charles took the big step of calling my mother-I was crazy with anxiety thinking that I could know my mother in just a few moments. The big question that caused my anxiety was; would she want to speak to me or would she reject me again? He dialed the  number and I was frozen in anxiety.

Shirley answered the phone after several rings. Charles quickly told her who he was and that we had been searching for her, and would she be willing to have contact. Shirley said-quickly-my husband and family do not know about this, please do not call again, but if you could send me something by mail I would be interested. Charles told her we would be in touch by mail.

I was beside myself with joy. I had found my mother and she was still living with my father because I did not know then that I was some other man's child. In the newspaper, and in the records at the County building, it said that my father's name was Orville Wayne. However the court adoption papers said that I was born to Shirley Loretta, but also that I was born out of wedlock.


Tomorrow I communicate with my mother and Becky has a psychotic break.

ANN vs. THE MORMON CHURCH & HER DESCENT INTO MADNESS

Ann struggles with the Mormon position on birth control and goes quietly mad.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 22...HELL

I had been driving myself crazy about birth control and getting my tubes tied. I felt emotionally unable to have a seventh child. I was certain that I would lose my mind under any more stress, but the Church has very strong birth control rules and wants a woman to have as many children as she can possibly have. I felt a more personal struggle: I loved ONE and truly felt that his will was for me to bear as many children as I could possibly bear. This was Church doctrine and teachings, and I believed in the Church, and that ONE would punish me if I didn't have as many children as I could. At the same time, I knew that I was stretched thin and couldn't keep up with the children and housework that I had. I began to have panic attacks, and the feelings associated with those made me feel full of guilt, and terror, that I was going to disappoint ONE no matter which way I went. Finally, I made up my mind to have my tubes tied after I had given birth to Jared. I felt guilt, but I aso felt that ONE was asking too much of me; to go crazy either way I went. I became angry at ONE again for putting me in such a horrible position and then not speaking to me directly to tell me what to do. The Church kept a deep, dark silence, waiting for me to make the damning decision if that is what I chose to do. Well, dagnabbit, I chose against what I really thought ONE wanted me to do, and chose to go with my own feelings of not wanting to go over the hill into insanity. It was a close, and not-too-clear, outcome. I was sane for another year.

When David was in kindergarten and Jared was about 18 months old, I went over the edge for the first time. I still felt guilt for having my tubes tied, my house was in total disarray, and the children-although wonderfully good children-were normal, average children; thus meaning that they were noisy and rambunctious. I felt very dirty inside and like I had disobeyed and disappointed a parent; deep disgust for my own self rose up; a writhing, long, ugly snake that twisted up from my gut like a hot poker and stabbed at my soul. I felt unworthy of life, or of anyone ever looking at me again. I was ugly and bad. I didn't dserve my children and someone would take them away from me. I hated me. I had to punish me. I took a chicken-turning fork into my bedroom and started to stab myself with it; over and over again. It felt good to hurt myself; to finally punish me like I deserved to be pinished. I was a thoroughly bad person.

David walked into the house from school,came straight into my bedroom to say "Hi!" and saw me stabbing myself over and over.

David screamed and begged me to stop, but I could not stop. He ran next door to get Lois.

Lois came at once and took the fork away from me. She was a nurse and knew what to do. I just lay there, too sick at what I had done, too sure of my own damnation, to move a muscle. I just wanted to be dead.

Charles came home and called the Bishop, and a member of the Church-who was a psychiatrist-helped to get me into a private psychiatric hospital. I was there for two weeks and learned a lot of skills for coping, and learned about a mental illness I seemed to have called Manic Depression (Bi-Polar today). I was started on two psychiatric drugs, Amitriptyline and Lithium. Lithium didn't work, but I was on Amitriptyline for several years.

While I was gone, the ladies of the Church took care of my children and they came into my house and cleaned, organized, painted, and refurbished the house. When I got out, the ladies brought in meals for a week and still offered some child care. Jared would not speak to me for another two months; he was angry at me for leaving him with strangers (to him). Finally, I got back on my feet and went back to being a good mother and caring for my famly; but I left the ward leaders in a shaky position. The Church position was that mental illness only affected those who had done something to displease ONE. Was I a lost soul because my mind had broken? Over the next two years other woman members of the Church had mental breakdowns and were found to have mental illnesses. These women were also active members of their wards and had large families. Did the Chruch put too much pressure on their women? Was having a large family safe and responsible for all women? Over the next few years the Church changed its position on mental illness and started to combine ward activities so that more days of the week were able to be total family days.


Tomorrow, we talk about Ann's children and how her mental illness affected them. Carol appears to Debby and Becky, and Charles finds my birth mother.

ANN ON CLEANING HOUSE & THE LDS CHURCH

Ann talks about her house cleaning habits and the Mormon Church. David and Jared are born.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 22...HELL

I suppose that I should tell you a soul secret. I was a horrible houskeeper. I made stabbing attempts to keep things in order, but I would get worn out from runnung with the children and fixing meals and doing the laundry. I would wind up in a heap on the living room couch sorting clothes or diapering the baby. There really is no excuse for the way I kept, or didn't keep, the house. Then there was the yard and garage to keep up also; and the cars to keep maintained-a talent you pick up after the hundredth car repairman has had you as his pub-joke of the day; and on the subject of cars, Charles, why leave me with two cars equally broken when you go off to sea? I could say that I could only handle so much, and that I chose to spend free time with the children over cleaning a house, but that is just another excuse. I hated doing the dishes, and I hated cleaning the house and I could blame that on rebelling against the pressure mom put on Charley and I, but the serious and horrible truth is just that I was lazy when it came to the house and not at all house proud. One thing I always appreciated about Charles is that he never complained about the way that the house looked. As long as I took good care of the children, Charles never said a negative word about my housekeeping.

Another thing that didn't help me with keeping my house clean was the Mormon Church-by the way, the name of the Mormon Church is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or L.D.S. I was always deeply involved in several areas of the ward; Relief Society, the Primary (over the course of twenty years in the church, I served in every single position in the Primary Organization), Visiting Teaching, and the Sunday School. I served in leadership positions, teaching positions, organist, conductor, and pianist. The Church teaches you so much and helps you to develop your talents; I always loved it for that. However, the hours spent in church work and attendance took me away from what my first duty should have been, and that is keeping my home clean, and often, keeping my children watched as closely as they should have been.

Within five months after Carol's death I was pregnant again, and we all rejoiced. I think that the nine months that I carried David, and the four years after his birth, were the happiest years of my marriage. Charles and I took Lamaze classes when I carried David and we breathed together during his delivery. It was the easiest birth I had; practically no pain, and having Charles support was blissful. When a little boy was born, we remembered my dream and named him David Joseph as we had been told to do.

What an angel child. People would come to see David just to take his picture. David was born in 1972, as were about 10 other little boys in the ward. There were so many little boys born around the church that year that we all predicted a great war when they became men, and it has come true what with the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Anyway, as I was saying, it was very hard for me to keep a picture of David around. Sometimes people would just pick his picture up if it was lying on a table in the house, so I had to hide the pictures I took of him. It was his big, round, happy face with a huge grin; his face always looked like sunshine. My mother zeroed in on David and all of the other children were forgotten by her, but of course Daddy made all the children feel loved and appreciated equally.

Charles was doing a lot of genealogy and going to the Temple to do Temple work. One day, when David was two and a half years old, Charles came home from the Temple and told me that I was pregnant. Since I believed in the priesthood, and that very spiritual things went on in the Temple, I immediately believed him, but couldn't figure out how I got pregnant again. I had been taking the pill for over two years; faithfully. Trust me; faithfully. On top of that, he said that we were going to have a daughter, and that we were to name her Karen. I was more than a little shaken, but totally delighted.

With this sixth pregnancy I figured that I had better go the health route since my body was probably depleted of some nutrients. I studied Adelle Davis and did everything, and took everything she suggested. Charles and I also went through Lamaze classes again. This child was like an extra dividend from ONE and I decided that if we did happen to have a boy after all that I would name him Jared, after the father of Enoch.

This last birth was the longest and hardest that I went through. We think it was because the baby had an enormous head, but that might just be the way we teased the baby afterwards. During the long labor, Charles and I were sure I was going to give birth to a girl so we waited complacently for our little girl to be born, and it was only a moment before I gave birth that we questioned what we would name a boy if we were mistaken. I suggested Jared Warren (Warren after my dad and brother) and Charles agreed, and sure enough, minutes later a big, lusty baby was born; our last child, Jared.


Tomorrow Ann struggles with getting a tubal ligation and filled with guilt, she has a mental breakdown.

ANN LOOSES A CHILD AT CHRISTMAS TIME

Ann finds out she is pregnant for the fourth time and then tragically looses the little girl at Christmas time.

THE GOD GAMES : Heaven & Hell...Chapte 21...HELL  

We were in El Cajon First Ward (Church) and the people of the Ward received us with great joy and made us feel right at home. We had a lovely neighbor next door, Lois and her four children, who would become part of our family as the years passed. She had a daughter, Lori, who happily became our babysitter.

We had hardly moved in than my mother wanted us to come to Tucson, Arizona for a visit. It was the summer time and Debby was out of school so I decided to make the trip. It was beautiful in Tucson in the summer, with the Joshua trees at their finest, and the sunsets were something that created an early evening ritual. About 5:00 p.m. everyone brought out their chairs to watch the sunset and the sunsets were so magnificent that nobody went inside until the full night had fallen. Oh, the colors that painted the sky!

However, I began to suspect that I was pregnant again, and this birth would be very close to Charlie's; not the hoped for three years apart. I was surprised that I was pregnant because after Charlie's birth I had had an Inter Uterine Device (i.u.d.) implanted and I was not suppose to get pregnant, but I had just covenanted with ONE to have the children he wanted me to have, so I was very happy.

Then one night I had a very vivid dream. I dreamt that Charles was in our home and having a big party. I dreamed that he was having his way with several women. In my dream I came home to find this, and got very mad and tore the house apart; I woke up in a sweat, and with the terrible feeling that the dream was real in some of its facets. I got up to return to San Diego that very day. Mom didn't understand why I had to leave so quickly, but I gathered up the children in an hour and we headed back home. When I got there, Charles was at home, which was unusual, but the house didn't appear to have had a party.

I got the children settled, and everything unpacked, and then I sat down with Charles and told him that we were going to have another child; that I was pregnant. Charles thought that was grand and was not angry at me for having another child so soon, which made me very happy, but I had these mixed feelings about Charles and so I went to see the Bishop for a priesthood blessing. The Bishop did not laugh at me, in fact he took me very seriously and asked me a lot of questions about our home life, then he gave me a blessing and I felt much better.

The pregnancy did not go as smoothly as my other pregnancies had. I was very sick, and had pains in my stomach. My gynecologist was worried about the i.u.d. and even had me have an x-ray to see if he could spot it, but he could find no evidence of any i.u.d. in my system, so he just counseled me to be very careful and rest a lot. I laughed inside at that because when you have three small children rest is not in your vocabulary, but I ate well and took vitamins and minerals, and I rested when I could.

The months passed and Christmas time was here with all of the excitement. Then, three days before Christmas, I was wrapping presents and putting them under the tree, when I suddenly started to bleed heavily. Charles immediately drove me to the hospital. I was sobbing because I was only six months along and knew that any baby born now would not survive. They put us in an elevator to go up to the maternity unit. There was a young man in the elevator who came up to my stretcher and bent over me. "Mother," he said, "do not worry, everything is going to be all right." He had the sweetest smile and I felt that everything would be all right. I stopped crying and began to pray with confidence that ONE would intercede and somehow save this child's life.

Hours passed, and then a long day, as I lay in labor. The doctor tried all of the medicines to stop the contractions but nothing helped. As I lay having contractions, the doctor came into the room and sat by my side. He said that I would have to go through with this labor, but maybe the child would be born weighing under a pound, and in that case, we wouldn't have to have a funeral because if the child weighed under a pound they would just incinerate it. I held my cool and finally the doctor left. I changed my prayers, I began to ask ONE to let my child weigh at least a pound and to be able to take a breath.

The hours were long but finally I was wheeled into delivery. My prayers had not stopped for even a moment and they did not stop now. Then the baby was delivered and there was no cry. I begged the doctor; "is she breathing?"
 The doctor said yes she was breathing but was too weak to cry. They said that she would only live a short time, then they weighed her and she was 1 lb. 1 oz. I was so happy; she was alive, she had taken a breath, and she weighed enough that we would get to have a funeral; thank you ONE, thank you. I lay there on that bed and praised ONE and decided that since our baby was a Christman miracle that I would call her Carol, for she was our Christmas Carol. I also named her Lucile after my mother; Lucile means light and she was Carol Lucile, a song of light.

They let Charles asnd I see her for ten minutes, but we were not allowed to hold her or touch her, we just saw this remarkable young lady; 12 inches long with black hair and dark eyes; so tiny, so beautiful, such a gift from ONE. Carol lived for two hours, and blessed us as much as if she had lived thirty years. We had a little funeral for her, and we could not find it in our hearts to mourn, for she had brought such a happy joyous spirit into our home.

You understand, that two days after the funeral, in the dark of one midnight, I had a passionate drive to be near her and got into a car that had only one headlight working, and made it to the cemetary; thirty miles away. There, I sat by her grave for two hours and mourned; then I thanked God again for giving her to us even for such a short time. I was able to go back home then and finish raising the children ONE had given us to raise. The doctor said that the i.u.d. had gotten lost in my womb and had caused a placenta previa, and that was why we had lost Carol. Charles and I determined that we would wait the six months the doctor told us to wait, and then try for aother child.


Tomorrow Ann reveals her housekeeping habits and the birth of two more children...

ANN, AN ACTIVE MORMON, IS ANGRY AT GOD

Ann moves to Seattle after Charles is baptized into the Mormon (LDS) Church. They have a little boy, are sealed in the Manti Temple, then Ann becomes angry with God.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 20...HELL

I filed for divorce and Charles was furious but begged me to reconsider. He had been transfered to Seattle, Washington-and had not asked us to come along and join him. One evening I got a call from a Mormon missionary in Seattle. He asked me if I would give my permission for Charles to be baptized into the Church. The Church did not require my permission at all, but the missionary hoped to involve me back into Charles' life. I was thrilled and overjoyed, and immediately stopped divorce proceedings. Charles was baptized, and then he called me and asked me to try marriage with him again and come and bring the girls to Seattle where he was looking for an apartment for us. Two weeks later, the Navy came and packed us up and we were on the road to Seattle.

I loved Seattle and so did the girls. One evening, Charles and I got down on our knees and prayed that we would have another child and that it would be a little boy. We prayed very hard and a month later I knew that I was pregnant again. It was years before Charles ever hit the children again, and he never hit me from that time on.

In 1969 we had a little boy and I named him Charles Albert II after his father; we called him Charlie. He was born just before Father's Day that year, and that made him a very special birth to us. I adored him and could hardly stand to do anything but take care of him, but Charlie was a very sick little boy and kept throwing up all the time. When he vomited, it went all the way across the room. We moved back to San Diego just two weeks after he was born, and there his pediatrician diagnosed him with pyloric stenosis. Charlie was operated on, and was a healthy little boy from that time forward.

When Charlie had just been born, and we were still in Seattle, I had a dream one night and I was told that I would have another son and his name was to be David Joseph. I was told that he was going to be a very special man and do a great work for ONE. I was overwhelmed with awe.

And a final note to this part of my life was that Charles and I received Temple Recommends and were sealed (married for eternity) together for time and all eternity, and had our children sealed to us, on our trip to San Diego, in the Temple at Manti, Utah.

CHAPTER 21...

When we came back to San Diego from Seattle, my little city had changed. Suddenly we were not a sleepy little Navy town, but bio-technical firms had set up around the county and their employees needed a place to live. Rents had doubled and there were slim pickings on what was avaiable. We considered ourselves fortunate to find an apartment at all. We ended up renting in La Mesa by the Department of Motor Vehicle's building. The apartment was large and had three bedrooms which were perfect for our growing family.

Charles father, Albert, passed away that year, and that was a real trauma for both Charles and I. Albert had loved his grandchildren and always carried a barette of Debby's and one of Becky's pacifiers in his pocket; he had not met Charlie yet, but had asked for one of his belongings to also carry in his pocket. It seemed that dad had waited for grandchildren all of his life and he was passionate in his love for them. When we went back for the funeral, Charles and I dug a little hole by dad's grave and buried a barette, a pacifier, and Charlie's diaper pin there for him. I really loved dad, he was a wonderful father-in-law, and he was father also of Randy and Valerie who were Charles' brother and sister; fine young people.

We settled into the apartment, but we were always afraid that we would do something to make our landlord angry, or that the rent would be raised another time. I hated living in that constant fear which was realistic because the rental market was so on the landlord's side that he didn't care if he lost one tenant, there would always be another to replace you. We were constantly on the children to be quet and not disturb other tenants, but we always felt that we were living on the edge, as children can only be so quiet, they must express themselves. Charles and I prayed very hard that somehow we would find a place to buy so that we could be our own landlords. The trouble was that we had no money for a down payment, and a budget that would allow only a very small monthly mortgage payment. We were kind of between a rock and a hard place.

I had been going through a period where I did not talk to ONE every day and had been neglecting Bible study. Actually, I was mad at ONE for having to live a hard life. The stress and worry that I was under made my emotions very volatile, and I decided to hate ONE for a while. Then one day I realized that if we could not find a house to buy, then I could be in very bad trouble mentally and emotionally; I was starting to crack up inside. Maybe I was not a worthy mother I thought.

Anyway, one day I just fell to my knees and asked ONE to forgive me for ignoring him and for being angry at him, and I told him that if he could forgive me, that I would have as many children as he wanted me to have, and that I would prove to him that I could be the best of mothers. I begged him to look with compassion on us, and give us a house to raise all of our children in.

Three days later our Real Estate agent called us and told us that a house had become available in the nearby city of El Cajon; it was almost out in the country and kind of small, but it was a nice little house. We immediately went out and looked at the house and decided that it was the house for us. There were still orange groves in the city, and two blocks away there were several horse farms. I went crazy with joy and we moved in a month later; Charlie had just turned a year old.


Tomorrow I am not going to be writing a blog because I will be with my son for Mother's Day. I hope your Mother's Day is awesome and I will be back on Monday with Ann losing her fourth child and the surrounding story.

ANN EXPERIENCES INFIDELITY & THE MORMON CHURCH

Today Ann gives birth to her second child, faces Charles infidelity, and joins the Mormon Church.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 20...HELL

When Charles was about to go to Vietnam, in 1965, he decided one day that we should have a second child. I was ecstatic and immediately stopped taking birth control pills. Within three days I was pregnant. I was so fertile that I told my girls when they grew up, that all the women in our family had to do was walk by a man and we became pregnant. This was born out in both of my girls and I warn my granddaughers now. Anyway, when I became pregnant in 1965, I began to pray for another little girl just like Debby.

There was a part of my marriage that made me very sad. When I married Charles I covenanted to be true to him for all of our marriage. I guess Charles saw things from a slightly different point of view. He seemed to feel that a man had different standards and anyway, he had a lot of fun on his cruises and used to tell the children that they had other brothers and sisters around the world. If that is true, I sure would like to meet these children-as would my children.

When it came time for our second child to be born, Charles left me at Navy Hospital and went to the home of my closest friend, Sue Ellen. I gather from what she told me that they started a long term love affair at that time. It was the first of many relationships that Charles indulged in.

Navy Hospital was a tough place to have a baby. They wouldn't let husbands be with their wives; instead, they shut you up in a room alone and closed the door. All I could hear were other women screaming. I determined that I would not scream and lay there bearing the pain in the dark; in the silent dark. Finally I could feel the baby being born and laid on the buzzer for the nurse. A nurse came and asked me what the problem was and I could not speak to save my life because I had spent my strength not screaming. The nurse went away after cursing me for bothering her. Finally, I could feel the baby pushing out and I lay on the buzzer again. When the nurse came in this time, I grunted and pointed to my privates, she lifted the sheet and could see the baby's head crowning. I was whisked into a delivery room and waited for the doctor, holding back on pushing. When the doctor came in he did not deliver the baby right away, but held the top of her head so she could not come out, while he waited for an intern that he wanted to show a certain procedure to. Finally the intern came and the baby popped right out. I think they hurt the baby during that delivery, but I had my wonderful second girl,  and I named her Rebecca Leah for she was also a very Jewish little girl.

It is only fair to tell you that I was not the best wife for Charles, and I can hardly blame him for cheating in our marriage. You see, the molestations I had endured turned me into a block of ice sexually. Charles never saw me naked as I was always dressed from head to toe in clothes, and would not take them off for bed; it was night cothes at nght to be sure, but I wore long flannel nightgowns all of our marriage and I would never take them off. Many years later I apologized to Charles for treating him so unfairly and being a cold fish.

Another thing that hurt our marriage was religion. I was overly religious and even belonged to the Woman's Christian Temperance Union with my grandmother. At first I was a Brethren, then I was a Baptist when no Brethren Churches were around, then I joined the Church of the Nazarene with my grandma. I was alwaus active as a Sunday School teacher and a pianist for the Youth group. Then, of course, I was married in the Nazarene Church and remained there until one day a big change came in my religious experience.

One day when Charles was overseas and the two girls and I lived alone together, a pair of Mormon Missionaries came to the house and I let them in and listened to their message. I loved the freedom to think that the Church offered, and I liked so many of the principles of the Church, that I decided to join in1967. I was re-baptized and given a blessing.

I loved the Church, but my parents went over the edge with worry that I was ruining my life and thought that I was joining a cult. They flooded me with anti-Mormon literature and sent over a person who did nothing but fight against the Church, to try to convince me that if I joined the Mormon Church I was going to hell. They were all worried about the plural marriage issue, and felt that the Church did not follow Bible teachings. They were all wrong, for the Church taught the Bible as well as the Book of Mormon, and everyone was a very strong Christian. I loved the Church and what it stood for.

I was a very active Mormon and the Church was very good to me and my children. One day the Bishop of our Ward (Church Building) came to visit me. He had learned from the missionaries that Charles was very anti-religious and that I was afraid of him because he beat and mistreated the children, and that several times he had slugged me. Once when he slugged me in the jaw, I had to go to the hospital to get my jaw put back in place, the police got involved in that incident but I didn't press charges. Anyhow, the Bishop had heard all of this and he came over to cousel me to get a divorce from Charles. He promised that the Church would take care of me if I got a divorce.


Tomorrow, Ann & Charles mend their marriage and Charles becomes a Mormon. They have a little boy they name Charlie...

ANN FACES PREGNANCY TERRIFIED

Ann faces her first pregnancy with fear because Charles is such a bigot.

THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 20...HELL

There were so many choices to make now that I was an adult, and a married adult at that. Should I pursue my dream of becoming a veterinarian, or should I begin to raise a family? The choice was made half way because my mother wanted me to go to college, and half way because I wanted, more than life itself, to give birth to a human being that was my own flesh and blood. There was really no contest, I wanted to rebel against my mother and give her no satisfaction, and I wanted to have a child, so having a child won out, and I never looked back with regret on my decision. I felt that I could return to San Diego State, where I was registered, at any time in my life.

Something happened at that time that changed one aspect of my life for the next 50 years. I went out of our apartment one afternoon to go job hunting. I put on a dress that Charles had bought for me; it was a light blue flannel dress that accentuated my 36-26-36 figure. As I walked down the street in downtown San Diego that afternoon, many men started whistling at me. I had never had a man whistle at me, and it embarrased me terribly. I immediately went home, ripped off the dress, and threw it in the trash can. Then I went through all of my clothes and discarded anything that was even slightly tight or clingy. from that day forward I only bought clothes that were baggy, or too big for me. The funniest thing happened then; I seemed to grow to fit whatever dress size I bought. By the time I finally made up my mind to lose weight, in 1998, when I was diagnosed with Diabetes II, I weighed a staggering 335 pounds.

One day, in 1962, I began to worry about my health. We had been married for about five months and I began to have strange symptoms: I was going to the bathroom a lot; I was sick to my stomach every morning; and my breasts were very tender. I went to the library to read a medical book and found out that I could be pregnant. I decided not to tell anyone yet until I was sure. I went to work with my grandma, ringing the bell for the Salvation Army, at Christmas time. I lasted a whole week, but was throwing up too much to continue, so I told my grandma that I was pregnant; she was so happy for me but she said I should wait a while before I told my mother. We both knew that mom would be very angry at me and accuse me of destroying my life.

As soon as I was sure I was pregnant I was wild with joy. ONE had blessed me with someone whom I would actually be related to; blood related to. I determined to be the best mother ever and give my child all the love of my being. I dedicated myself to being a mother. Then horrible thoughts began to go through my mind.

Charles was a bigot. I had never met a bigot before; never knew what the term actually meant, but Charles hated everyone who was even slightly different than himself. If you were a different religion, or different culture, or different color, then Charles hated you. Not only did he hate, but he insisted in broadcasting his hate. He yelled obscenities at anyone we passed that was different. I was so embarrased by his diatribes that I would duck down on the seat of the car, or walk way behind him; anything not to be seen as being with him.

I thought to myself; who am I? Am I sure I do not have black or brown blood in me? What color could a child of mine have? And if Charles were Jewish, did he even know what color his child could be? After all, Charles had dark brown eyes, black hair, and tanned skin color, but if I gave birth to a child that was dark, would he accuse me of infidelity?

It was a time when I was overjoyed and went around stroking my belly and telling my wonderful child how much I loved her or him. To think that I would soon hold someone that I was really related to was sweet ambrosia, and then I would think, what will you look like; will you be fair like me, or dark like one of my unknown relatives?

Labor came in 1963 and I was alternately elated and deflated, as the pains grew deeper and deeper. Then my wonderful, beautiful baby was born, a little girl who looked as Jewish as it was possible to be Jewish. So I named my beloved daughter Debora Ruth, a purely Jewish name, and I rejoiced that ONE had protected me with his love and blessing. As for Charles, there was no question about the child, she looked like him and he accepted her without further thought. I never had to worry about my babies after that.

With Charles in the Navy, we didn't have to worry about health care, and that was a blessing, but we did not have Charles with us very much. he had duty every third day, there were exercises where the ship went out to sea for two or three weeks at a time, and he would go overseas, sometimes up to a year, and this with a very short turn-around time. In our 17 years of marriage, we spent six years with him at home, and eleven years when he was out to sea. Marriage in the service was a hardship on the family, but at least Charles worked all of the time, and when he was home he would take second and third jobs to help support the family. The Navy paid abysmally, and Charles was only a second class Petty Officer for most of his twenty years, although he rose to first class for the last five years that he served.


Tomorrow Vietnam, infidelity, and the Mormon Church...