Ann struggles with the Mormon position on birth control and goes quietly mad.
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 22...HELL
I had been driving myself crazy about birth control and getting my tubes tied. I felt emotionally unable to have a seventh child. I was certain that I would lose my mind under any more stress, but the Church has very strong birth control rules and wants a woman to have as many children as she can possibly have. I felt a more personal struggle: I loved ONE and truly felt that his will was for me to bear as many children as I could possibly bear. This was Church doctrine and teachings, and I believed in the Church, and that ONE would punish me if I didn't have as many children as I could. At the same time, I knew that I was stretched thin and couldn't keep up with the children and housework that I had. I began to have panic attacks, and the feelings associated with those made me feel full of guilt, and terror, that I was going to disappoint ONE no matter which way I went. Finally, I made up my mind to have my tubes tied after I had given birth to Jared. I felt guilt, but I aso felt that ONE was asking too much of me; to go crazy either way I went. I became angry at ONE again for putting me in such a horrible position and then not speaking to me directly to tell me what to do. The Church kept a deep, dark silence, waiting for me to make the damning decision if that is what I chose to do. Well, dagnabbit, I chose against what I really thought ONE wanted me to do, and chose to go with my own feelings of not wanting to go over the hill into insanity. It was a close, and not-too-clear, outcome. I was sane for another year.
When David was in kindergarten and Jared was about 18 months old, I went over the edge for the first time. I still felt guilt for having my tubes tied, my house was in total disarray, and the children-although wonderfully good children-were normal, average children; thus meaning that they were noisy and rambunctious. I felt very dirty inside and like I had disobeyed and disappointed a parent; deep disgust for my own self rose up; a writhing, long, ugly snake that twisted up from my gut like a hot poker and stabbed at my soul. I felt unworthy of life, or of anyone ever looking at me again. I was ugly and bad. I didn't dserve my children and someone would take them away from me. I hated me. I had to punish me. I took a chicken-turning fork into my bedroom and started to stab myself with it; over and over again. It felt good to hurt myself; to finally punish me like I deserved to be pinished. I was a thoroughly bad person.
David walked into the house from school,came straight into my bedroom to say "Hi!" and saw me stabbing myself over and over.
David screamed and begged me to stop, but I could not stop. He ran next door to get Lois.
Lois came at once and took the fork away from me. She was a nurse and knew what to do. I just lay there, too sick at what I had done, too sure of my own damnation, to move a muscle. I just wanted to be dead.
Charles came home and called the Bishop, and a member of the Church-who was a psychiatrist-helped to get me into a private psychiatric hospital. I was there for two weeks and learned a lot of skills for coping, and learned about a mental illness I seemed to have called Manic Depression (Bi-Polar today). I was started on two psychiatric drugs, Amitriptyline and Lithium. Lithium didn't work, but I was on Amitriptyline for several years.
While I was gone, the ladies of the Church took care of my children and they came into my house and cleaned, organized, painted, and refurbished the house. When I got out, the ladies brought in meals for a week and still offered some child care. Jared would not speak to me for another two months; he was angry at me for leaving him with strangers (to him). Finally, I got back on my feet and went back to being a good mother and caring for my famly; but I left the ward leaders in a shaky position. The Church position was that mental illness only affected those who had done something to displease ONE. Was I a lost soul because my mind had broken? Over the next two years other woman members of the Church had mental breakdowns and were found to have mental illnesses. These women were also active members of their wards and had large families. Did the Chruch put too much pressure on their women? Was having a large family safe and responsible for all women? Over the next few years the Church changed its position on mental illness and started to combine ward activities so that more days of the week were able to be total family days.
Tomorrow, we talk about Ann's children and how her mental illness affected them. Carol appears to Debby and Becky, and Charles finds my birth mother.
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 22...HELL
I had been driving myself crazy about birth control and getting my tubes tied. I felt emotionally unable to have a seventh child. I was certain that I would lose my mind under any more stress, but the Church has very strong birth control rules and wants a woman to have as many children as she can possibly have. I felt a more personal struggle: I loved ONE and truly felt that his will was for me to bear as many children as I could possibly bear. This was Church doctrine and teachings, and I believed in the Church, and that ONE would punish me if I didn't have as many children as I could. At the same time, I knew that I was stretched thin and couldn't keep up with the children and housework that I had. I began to have panic attacks, and the feelings associated with those made me feel full of guilt, and terror, that I was going to disappoint ONE no matter which way I went. Finally, I made up my mind to have my tubes tied after I had given birth to Jared. I felt guilt, but I aso felt that ONE was asking too much of me; to go crazy either way I went. I became angry at ONE again for putting me in such a horrible position and then not speaking to me directly to tell me what to do. The Church kept a deep, dark silence, waiting for me to make the damning decision if that is what I chose to do. Well, dagnabbit, I chose against what I really thought ONE wanted me to do, and chose to go with my own feelings of not wanting to go over the hill into insanity. It was a close, and not-too-clear, outcome. I was sane for another year.
When David was in kindergarten and Jared was about 18 months old, I went over the edge for the first time. I still felt guilt for having my tubes tied, my house was in total disarray, and the children-although wonderfully good children-were normal, average children; thus meaning that they were noisy and rambunctious. I felt very dirty inside and like I had disobeyed and disappointed a parent; deep disgust for my own self rose up; a writhing, long, ugly snake that twisted up from my gut like a hot poker and stabbed at my soul. I felt unworthy of life, or of anyone ever looking at me again. I was ugly and bad. I didn't dserve my children and someone would take them away from me. I hated me. I had to punish me. I took a chicken-turning fork into my bedroom and started to stab myself with it; over and over again. It felt good to hurt myself; to finally punish me like I deserved to be pinished. I was a thoroughly bad person.
David walked into the house from school,came straight into my bedroom to say "Hi!" and saw me stabbing myself over and over.
David screamed and begged me to stop, but I could not stop. He ran next door to get Lois.
Lois came at once and took the fork away from me. She was a nurse and knew what to do. I just lay there, too sick at what I had done, too sure of my own damnation, to move a muscle. I just wanted to be dead.
Charles came home and called the Bishop, and a member of the Church-who was a psychiatrist-helped to get me into a private psychiatric hospital. I was there for two weeks and learned a lot of skills for coping, and learned about a mental illness I seemed to have called Manic Depression (Bi-Polar today). I was started on two psychiatric drugs, Amitriptyline and Lithium. Lithium didn't work, but I was on Amitriptyline for several years.
While I was gone, the ladies of the Church took care of my children and they came into my house and cleaned, organized, painted, and refurbished the house. When I got out, the ladies brought in meals for a week and still offered some child care. Jared would not speak to me for another two months; he was angry at me for leaving him with strangers (to him). Finally, I got back on my feet and went back to being a good mother and caring for my famly; but I left the ward leaders in a shaky position. The Church position was that mental illness only affected those who had done something to displease ONE. Was I a lost soul because my mind had broken? Over the next two years other woman members of the Church had mental breakdowns and were found to have mental illnesses. These women were also active members of their wards and had large families. Did the Chruch put too much pressure on their women? Was having a large family safe and responsible for all women? Over the next few years the Church changed its position on mental illness and started to combine ward activities so that more days of the week were able to be total family days.
Tomorrow, we talk about Ann's children and how her mental illness affected them. Carol appears to Debby and Becky, and Charles finds my birth mother.
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