Ann faces her first pregnancy with fear because Charles is such a bigot.
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 20...HELL
There were so many choices to make now that I was an adult, and a married adult at that. Should I pursue my dream of becoming a veterinarian, or should I begin to raise a family? The choice was made half way because my mother wanted me to go to college, and half way because I wanted, more than life itself, to give birth to a human being that was my own flesh and blood. There was really no contest, I wanted to rebel against my mother and give her no satisfaction, and I wanted to have a child, so having a child won out, and I never looked back with regret on my decision. I felt that I could return to San Diego State, where I was registered, at any time in my life.
Something happened at that time that changed one aspect of my life for the next 50 years. I went out of our apartment one afternoon to go job hunting. I put on a dress that Charles had bought for me; it was a light blue flannel dress that accentuated my 36-26-36 figure. As I walked down the street in downtown San Diego that afternoon, many men started whistling at me. I had never had a man whistle at me, and it embarrased me terribly. I immediately went home, ripped off the dress, and threw it in the trash can. Then I went through all of my clothes and discarded anything that was even slightly tight or clingy. from that day forward I only bought clothes that were baggy, or too big for me. The funniest thing happened then; I seemed to grow to fit whatever dress size I bought. By the time I finally made up my mind to lose weight, in 1998, when I was diagnosed with Diabetes II, I weighed a staggering 335 pounds.
One day, in 1962, I began to worry about my health. We had been married for about five months and I began to have strange symptoms: I was going to the bathroom a lot; I was sick to my stomach every morning; and my breasts were very tender. I went to the library to read a medical book and found out that I could be pregnant. I decided not to tell anyone yet until I was sure. I went to work with my grandma, ringing the bell for the Salvation Army, at Christmas time. I lasted a whole week, but was throwing up too much to continue, so I told my grandma that I was pregnant; she was so happy for me but she said I should wait a while before I told my mother. We both knew that mom would be very angry at me and accuse me of destroying my life.
As soon as I was sure I was pregnant I was wild with joy. ONE had blessed me with someone whom I would actually be related to; blood related to. I determined to be the best mother ever and give my child all the love of my being. I dedicated myself to being a mother. Then horrible thoughts began to go through my mind.
Charles was a bigot. I had never met a bigot before; never knew what the term actually meant, but Charles hated everyone who was even slightly different than himself. If you were a different religion, or different culture, or different color, then Charles hated you. Not only did he hate, but he insisted in broadcasting his hate. He yelled obscenities at anyone we passed that was different. I was so embarrased by his diatribes that I would duck down on the seat of the car, or walk way behind him; anything not to be seen as being with him.
I thought to myself; who am I? Am I sure I do not have black or brown blood in me? What color could a child of mine have? And if Charles were Jewish, did he even know what color his child could be? After all, Charles had dark brown eyes, black hair, and tanned skin color, but if I gave birth to a child that was dark, would he accuse me of infidelity?
It was a time when I was overjoyed and went around stroking my belly and telling my wonderful child how much I loved her or him. To think that I would soon hold someone that I was really related to was sweet ambrosia, and then I would think, what will you look like; will you be fair like me, or dark like one of my unknown relatives?
Labor came in 1963 and I was alternately elated and deflated, as the pains grew deeper and deeper. Then my wonderful, beautiful baby was born, a little girl who looked as Jewish as it was possible to be Jewish. So I named my beloved daughter Debora Ruth, a purely Jewish name, and I rejoiced that ONE had protected me with his love and blessing. As for Charles, there was no question about the child, she looked like him and he accepted her without further thought. I never had to worry about my babies after that.
With Charles in the Navy, we didn't have to worry about health care, and that was a blessing, but we did not have Charles with us very much. he had duty every third day, there were exercises where the ship went out to sea for two or three weeks at a time, and he would go overseas, sometimes up to a year, and this with a very short turn-around time. In our 17 years of marriage, we spent six years with him at home, and eleven years when he was out to sea. Marriage in the service was a hardship on the family, but at least Charles worked all of the time, and when he was home he would take second and third jobs to help support the family. The Navy paid abysmally, and Charles was only a second class Petty Officer for most of his twenty years, although he rose to first class for the last five years that he served.
Tomorrow Vietnam, infidelity, and the Mormon Church...
THE GOD GAMES: Heaven & Hell...Chapter 20...HELL
There were so many choices to make now that I was an adult, and a married adult at that. Should I pursue my dream of becoming a veterinarian, or should I begin to raise a family? The choice was made half way because my mother wanted me to go to college, and half way because I wanted, more than life itself, to give birth to a human being that was my own flesh and blood. There was really no contest, I wanted to rebel against my mother and give her no satisfaction, and I wanted to have a child, so having a child won out, and I never looked back with regret on my decision. I felt that I could return to San Diego State, where I was registered, at any time in my life.
Something happened at that time that changed one aspect of my life for the next 50 years. I went out of our apartment one afternoon to go job hunting. I put on a dress that Charles had bought for me; it was a light blue flannel dress that accentuated my 36-26-36 figure. As I walked down the street in downtown San Diego that afternoon, many men started whistling at me. I had never had a man whistle at me, and it embarrased me terribly. I immediately went home, ripped off the dress, and threw it in the trash can. Then I went through all of my clothes and discarded anything that was even slightly tight or clingy. from that day forward I only bought clothes that were baggy, or too big for me. The funniest thing happened then; I seemed to grow to fit whatever dress size I bought. By the time I finally made up my mind to lose weight, in 1998, when I was diagnosed with Diabetes II, I weighed a staggering 335 pounds.
One day, in 1962, I began to worry about my health. We had been married for about five months and I began to have strange symptoms: I was going to the bathroom a lot; I was sick to my stomach every morning; and my breasts were very tender. I went to the library to read a medical book and found out that I could be pregnant. I decided not to tell anyone yet until I was sure. I went to work with my grandma, ringing the bell for the Salvation Army, at Christmas time. I lasted a whole week, but was throwing up too much to continue, so I told my grandma that I was pregnant; she was so happy for me but she said I should wait a while before I told my mother. We both knew that mom would be very angry at me and accuse me of destroying my life.
As soon as I was sure I was pregnant I was wild with joy. ONE had blessed me with someone whom I would actually be related to; blood related to. I determined to be the best mother ever and give my child all the love of my being. I dedicated myself to being a mother. Then horrible thoughts began to go through my mind.
Charles was a bigot. I had never met a bigot before; never knew what the term actually meant, but Charles hated everyone who was even slightly different than himself. If you were a different religion, or different culture, or different color, then Charles hated you. Not only did he hate, but he insisted in broadcasting his hate. He yelled obscenities at anyone we passed that was different. I was so embarrased by his diatribes that I would duck down on the seat of the car, or walk way behind him; anything not to be seen as being with him.
I thought to myself; who am I? Am I sure I do not have black or brown blood in me? What color could a child of mine have? And if Charles were Jewish, did he even know what color his child could be? After all, Charles had dark brown eyes, black hair, and tanned skin color, but if I gave birth to a child that was dark, would he accuse me of infidelity?
It was a time when I was overjoyed and went around stroking my belly and telling my wonderful child how much I loved her or him. To think that I would soon hold someone that I was really related to was sweet ambrosia, and then I would think, what will you look like; will you be fair like me, or dark like one of my unknown relatives?
Labor came in 1963 and I was alternately elated and deflated, as the pains grew deeper and deeper. Then my wonderful, beautiful baby was born, a little girl who looked as Jewish as it was possible to be Jewish. So I named my beloved daughter Debora Ruth, a purely Jewish name, and I rejoiced that ONE had protected me with his love and blessing. As for Charles, there was no question about the child, she looked like him and he accepted her without further thought. I never had to worry about my babies after that.
With Charles in the Navy, we didn't have to worry about health care, and that was a blessing, but we did not have Charles with us very much. he had duty every third day, there were exercises where the ship went out to sea for two or three weeks at a time, and he would go overseas, sometimes up to a year, and this with a very short turn-around time. In our 17 years of marriage, we spent six years with him at home, and eleven years when he was out to sea. Marriage in the service was a hardship on the family, but at least Charles worked all of the time, and when he was home he would take second and third jobs to help support the family. The Navy paid abysmally, and Charles was only a second class Petty Officer for most of his twenty years, although he rose to first class for the last five years that he served.
Tomorrow Vietnam, infidelity, and the Mormon Church...
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