Ann talks about her mental illness; the girls see the ghost of their sister; and Charles finds Ann's birth mother.
THE GOD GAMES : Heaven & Hell...Chapter 23...HELL.
What wonderful children ONE gave to Charles ad I. Debby was a gentle soul who deeply loved her friends, paticularly her friend Laura; they were inseparable. Becky was also a gentle soul; she was still sucking her thumb and holding her blanket until she was 12. She was quiet as a mouse and helped willingly with the younger children. Both girls were my right hands and helped me get through many struggles. Charlie was soft-spoken and quiet. He was a very sensitive and loving little boy who loved his grandmother and great-grandmother very much. This led to his having a broken heart, when Pansy Berle, his great-grandmother died, and much heartache when his grandmother, my mother, "cut him off at the knees." She would just ignore his attempts to show her love, and he finally gave it up, again broken-hearted. David was a love and never disobeyed. He was just filled with love, and boy did he love Guber Grape, a peanut butter with grape jelly running through it. Jared was the best baby, and as he grew it became obvious that he was very intelligent. He potty trained in one day. I showed him what to do-using a male doll that peed-and after one showing, the job was all done.
My mental illness hurt the children very much. They were always positive and supportive of me, but sometimes they did not understand their mother's moods which could go from abject despair and tears, to happiness and supreme joy. I tried to be a "good" mother whenever they were home, and save the depressions until they were at school, but sometimes that did not work out for me and the children would do everything in their power to cheer me up. I love my children even more than my own life and sometimes I would go into a depression just imagining how my children felt when things were bad. I am heartily sorry, my children, that I put you through all of the drama. The house was often in severe disarray and it would get really bad, and when I could stand it no more, I would put the children to bed and clean house all night long. Clean like my mother had taught me. The children would wake up in the moring and the house would be perfect, everything in its proper place; the floors washed and polished, the furniture gleaming, the kitchen spotless, all the wash done and put away. They would get up and think it was some kind of holiday and hate to leave it to go to school.
One night, about two months after Carol had died, the girls had a strange experience. The girls slept in bunk beds, Debby on the top, and Becky on the bottom. Becky had almost fallen asleep when she turned her head and saw a young girl, dressed all in white, with long black hair, standing by the side of her bed. The figure didn't say anything, but Becky turned away from it. Then Debby from her top bunk saw the girl in white, and said to Becky, "do you see what I see? Do you think it is Carol?" Becky told her "yes" she had seen her and it must be Carol. The little girl disappeared without saying anything, but the girls knew that their sister, Carol, had been to visit and let them know she was all right. The children were then able to accept the death of their sister as a normal part of life, and they knew that death was not the end of the life experience.
Charles was always fascinated with genealogy, as was I. It was a great church program and we spent time and money learning who our past relatives had been and getting their Temple work done, usually at the Los Angeles Temple. Over some time, Charles had been putting his skills as a detective and a genealogist to work to search for my birth mother, Shirley Loretta. In early 1979 he actually talked to a distant relative in Armour, Soth Dakota and found a great aunt who lived in the State of Washington. The relative gave us this great-aunt's telephone number. Charles called my great-aunt Gertrude, and she gave Charles the telephone number and address of my mother in Plummer, Idaho. Mother was still married to the same husband she had when I was born, and she had two daughters and a son, and grandchildren. One daughter, Patricia, still lived in Plummer also.
Then Charles took the big step of calling my mother-I was crazy with anxiety thinking that I could know my mother in just a few moments. The big question that caused my anxiety was; would she want to speak to me or would she reject me again? He dialed the number and I was frozen in anxiety.
Shirley answered the phone after several rings. Charles quickly told her who he was and that we had been searching for her, and would she be willing to have contact. Shirley said-quickly-my husband and family do not know about this, please do not call again, but if you could send me something by mail I would be interested. Charles told her we would be in touch by mail.
I was beside myself with joy. I had found my mother and she was still living with my father because I did not know then that I was some other man's child. In the newspaper, and in the records at the County building, it said that my father's name was Orville Wayne. However the court adoption papers said that I was born to Shirley Loretta, but also that I was born out of wedlock.
Tomorrow I communicate with my mother and Becky has a psychotic break.
THE GOD GAMES : Heaven & Hell...Chapter 23...HELL.
What wonderful children ONE gave to Charles ad I. Debby was a gentle soul who deeply loved her friends, paticularly her friend Laura; they were inseparable. Becky was also a gentle soul; she was still sucking her thumb and holding her blanket until she was 12. She was quiet as a mouse and helped willingly with the younger children. Both girls were my right hands and helped me get through many struggles. Charlie was soft-spoken and quiet. He was a very sensitive and loving little boy who loved his grandmother and great-grandmother very much. This led to his having a broken heart, when Pansy Berle, his great-grandmother died, and much heartache when his grandmother, my mother, "cut him off at the knees." She would just ignore his attempts to show her love, and he finally gave it up, again broken-hearted. David was a love and never disobeyed. He was just filled with love, and boy did he love Guber Grape, a peanut butter with grape jelly running through it. Jared was the best baby, and as he grew it became obvious that he was very intelligent. He potty trained in one day. I showed him what to do-using a male doll that peed-and after one showing, the job was all done.
My mental illness hurt the children very much. They were always positive and supportive of me, but sometimes they did not understand their mother's moods which could go from abject despair and tears, to happiness and supreme joy. I tried to be a "good" mother whenever they were home, and save the depressions until they were at school, but sometimes that did not work out for me and the children would do everything in their power to cheer me up. I love my children even more than my own life and sometimes I would go into a depression just imagining how my children felt when things were bad. I am heartily sorry, my children, that I put you through all of the drama. The house was often in severe disarray and it would get really bad, and when I could stand it no more, I would put the children to bed and clean house all night long. Clean like my mother had taught me. The children would wake up in the moring and the house would be perfect, everything in its proper place; the floors washed and polished, the furniture gleaming, the kitchen spotless, all the wash done and put away. They would get up and think it was some kind of holiday and hate to leave it to go to school.
One night, about two months after Carol had died, the girls had a strange experience. The girls slept in bunk beds, Debby on the top, and Becky on the bottom. Becky had almost fallen asleep when she turned her head and saw a young girl, dressed all in white, with long black hair, standing by the side of her bed. The figure didn't say anything, but Becky turned away from it. Then Debby from her top bunk saw the girl in white, and said to Becky, "do you see what I see? Do you think it is Carol?" Becky told her "yes" she had seen her and it must be Carol. The little girl disappeared without saying anything, but the girls knew that their sister, Carol, had been to visit and let them know she was all right. The children were then able to accept the death of their sister as a normal part of life, and they knew that death was not the end of the life experience.
Charles was always fascinated with genealogy, as was I. It was a great church program and we spent time and money learning who our past relatives had been and getting their Temple work done, usually at the Los Angeles Temple. Over some time, Charles had been putting his skills as a detective and a genealogist to work to search for my birth mother, Shirley Loretta. In early 1979 he actually talked to a distant relative in Armour, Soth Dakota and found a great aunt who lived in the State of Washington. The relative gave us this great-aunt's telephone number. Charles called my great-aunt Gertrude, and she gave Charles the telephone number and address of my mother in Plummer, Idaho. Mother was still married to the same husband she had when I was born, and she had two daughters and a son, and grandchildren. One daughter, Patricia, still lived in Plummer also.
Then Charles took the big step of calling my mother-I was crazy with anxiety thinking that I could know my mother in just a few moments. The big question that caused my anxiety was; would she want to speak to me or would she reject me again? He dialed the number and I was frozen in anxiety.
Shirley answered the phone after several rings. Charles quickly told her who he was and that we had been searching for her, and would she be willing to have contact. Shirley said-quickly-my husband and family do not know about this, please do not call again, but if you could send me something by mail I would be interested. Charles told her we would be in touch by mail.
I was beside myself with joy. I had found my mother and she was still living with my father because I did not know then that I was some other man's child. In the newspaper, and in the records at the County building, it said that my father's name was Orville Wayne. However the court adoption papers said that I was born to Shirley Loretta, but also that I was born out of wedlock.
Tomorrow I communicate with my mother and Becky has a psychotic break.
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